The Forty-Seven Bonin'

The Revenge of the Forty-Seven Ronin

These were hard times. I mean hard, fucking bonerific times. I couldn’t get a job to save my life. Drinking out of cat piss barrels, snoozing in the womb of a prostitute named “Brandi,” I wandered from village to village, feigning insanity (which wasn’t hard) and pretending to have contracted leprosy. Everywhere I went; women and child alike would dart from me, screaming holy rape. I stumbled along, bottle of sake the size of my demon cannon in my hand, swinging my god damn katana like an infected garbage crab until I would eventually crash into some fucking rice-paper house then piss myself. As I said, hard fucking times.

About three years earlier, I ended up in some urinal called Honshῡ, playing house-retard to some rat in flowing robes. Day 1 some shithead throws me a blade and tells me to run around swatting at people who got too close to our liege. So I spent my days galloping around like a gilded tampon, swinging my sword at flabbergasted villagers whilst sucking on opium pipes and fuckin’ hookers. Anyway, one day I get this message from my sweet, sweet, blond anal boy informing me that our liege has committed seppuku. I didn’t know what the fuck that meant so I beat him down with a rock hard loaf of bread until he burped something about his mother and passed out. I stood there for a moment, watching him curled and pooing, until this big samurai I NEVER liked came barging in, his wonch hanging out and fully armored. He was screaming at me –I mean the fucker was SCREAMING at me– that I needed to suit up and meet him in the courtyard. Well I puked a little samswanch puddle as I was still hammered from the night before, threw on my armor (backward as I’d never really learned how to put that shit on anyway) and marched out toward the courtyard. On a lighter note, the armor was custom and hella classic. I had this little mole-rat of a boy do mine up (although it was considered “honorable” to oversee the construction yourself, I forced the slope to work through it during blow jobs and messy cumshots.) I had him build me a fucking dick for a helmet. No joke. The helmet was a giant penis. It looked awesome and glorious. Everyone else thought I was a lunatic, but who fucking cares? I was. I was a true samurai dick head LOL.

So I run out to the white gravel courtyard and on my way, I trip over this little bald dink raking fucking circles in the rock. I was so pissed I chopped at him with a little tinkle spoon and shouted that he was my new concubine. He squealed something in Japanese about me not being respectful or some shit so I kicked him in the mouth and wiped my grease on his toilet paper robe because I liked him. He fell to the ground muttering something about salmon belly rolls. Moving on, I saw that all the assholes in the guard had assembled. All three hundred or so, which concerned me BECAUSE THAT MEANT SOME MAUFUGGIN SHIT WAS ABOUT TO GO DOWN!!!!!!!!

Ōishi, our leader, stood in the center, solemn as a flaccid pebble-pipe on the Chinese New Year. He was meditating. I burped a sliver of seaweed and spat it on a passing porter - he cried. I felt a warming sensation in my crotch and realized I was more fudged up than I thought and that I was pissing myself AGAIN. "Jesus, again with the pissing!" I mumbled. This made me giggle for a few moments until I heard Ōishi speak. He said our lord had been forced to commit ritual suicide and that his family had been shamed, his retainers now ronin.

Well this was great news. This was great fucking news. So I threw my dick helmet in the air and shouted “WOOHOO!” because sarcasm wasn't really commonplace yet. Many of the samurai, now ronin, walked off in disbelief, kinda grumbling and crying. I was busy chopping up this statue of a pagoda with my little dagger, whooping and hollering like a trashed bitch! I did this for about an hour as the others walked away, some stopped to stare in disbelief at what I was doing. When I finally came to, I saw Ōishi still standing in the courtyard along with maybe fifty others. “Roy-San! You will stay or you will dishonor the Akō Domain! You will dishonor our daimyo Asano Takumi-no-Kami Naganori! With dishonor, your freedom! And as are all freedoms, you will die ignorant! Stay, Roy-San, and you will know the true meaning of honor! And as are all lotus, honor will bloom for you again and again!” Well Jesus on a fucking Toyota I had no clue what he was yammering about, but he convinced me with these strange words to join their circle. With a squint and a nasty fart, I walked to them. Here I learned they planned revenge. Kira Kozuke-no-Suke Yoshinaka, the cocksucker who’d betrayed our lord, was the source of our new reckoning, and with his death, forever honored our liege would be. I felt like I was in a fucking US Army recruiting commercial, but it made sense.

Now, usually I’d go halfway around the world for a great orgy, but wouldn’t muster the energy to cross the street for a noble cause. This time, it was all so very strange. I knew in my soul, I had to make right this wrong. Or perhaps it was the special mushroom clump I found near the shitter and eaten with breakfast. We circle jerked it and counted heads, made a secret oath that we would avenge our fallen master. Forty seven of us stood in that courtyard, planning what would be known as the assault of Asano Naganori on Kira Yoshinaka in the Matsu no Ōrōka of Edo Castle.

Three years passed loaded with debauchery. Ōishi and I went apeshit in the towns. I mean APE. As guessed, Kira sent spies to infiltrate our group; to be sure no harm would be coming to him. They were fully disappointed. Ōishi and I would hit up the whore-houses like every fucking night and get just so trashed that I was producing diarrhea in my shorts almost on command (like a frozen yogurt machine.) I was raping and pillaging like never before. I murdered two small children for rubbing my penis helmet when I dropped it outside a brothel. I raped fourteen virgin bros outside a Geisha squat for acting too much like me. I was chopping down cherry trees just to saw off one tooth pick to wedge out the shit (human) in my teeth. I was having so much fun that Ōishi had to take me aside one night and calm me down. He said we were just pretending to live this lifestyle and when it came time to act, that we must all be ready. I thought he was kidding because as I understood it, we were all just fucking around until the BIG fuck around came. Well once those fucking spies found Ōisho and I passed out in the street in puddles of our own fecal belch, they returned to Kira and told him ain’t no thang. Kira let his guard down and Ōish decided it was time.

We spent the next few weeks infiltrating Edo with weapons, which was a big fat fucking nononononono. Bunch of the other assholes started making their way inward. Some looked more fucked up than I felt. I got a job at the actual fucking castle as a cat pauper or ratshit scooper or fucking toilet attendant I don’t really remember what because I spent most of my time barfing into the royal bedrooms and stealing bulk rice wine. Later that week I managed to clamber up onto the fucking roof and was playing with my human dildo when I passed out in the darkness there. I set my rooster alarm for 25 minutes. This is Genroku 15, on the 14th day of the 12th month.

Fifteen minutes later I’m up to my elbows in fecal wipe and fucking snow. There was an angry head wind that had blown my knickers off the roof and into the yard where I was supposed to meet the other forty six. I barfed, feeling real nasty and made my way down to where I’d stashed my armor. Four of my colleagues were descending from the wall when I finally made my way. I met them in the middle and knocked out the guard there with my pulsating wong hatchet. By then Ōishi’s drum was rattling, signaling the coordinated attack. We posted some archers on the roof to cut down any attempt by Kira’s retainers to send for help, and made our way to the back door. I was so drunk I threw up again on the tiled floor and slipped on my ass, knocking over this large statue of a gyrating wolverine or something. Well fuck, that woke up Kira’s retainers from the rear barracks and charging in they came. The first two I killed immediately because when the door swung wide, they were terrified to see my gargantuan penis helmet (the rest of my armor I had to recreate as we were shamed out of our original armor. They penis helmet I reconstructed out of yak hair and human testicle skin) charging at them full throttle. They turned and ran and I struck them down in my drunken fury. Several tried to run for help, but our archers got them, and I couldn’t resist boning the corpses in the midnight snowfall.

After 25 minutes of fierce battle, Ōishi and the rest made our way to Kira’s bedroom. He was nowhere to be found. Ōishi touched the bed and, sensing it was still warm, assumed he couldn’t be far. I barfed on his hand touching the bed. “Jesus!” he said and shook the vomit from his hand and sword. Fuck me I felt like a burned out clam shell, like the foreskin of a bloated penile in a blender set to liquify, like testicles in a popcorn machine. By now it was starting to turn that open brain matter grey in the sky and I was blatantly urinating myself due to lack of spunk. Others in my crew would grab and shake me, demanding that I get a hold of myself. I would just laugh like a deranged manfish and swat at them with a broken Nerf bow. Finally we found the dink hiding in a charcoal hut toilet bowl and we chop his god damn head off. I was so fucking sick I immediately stumbled into the night where I proceeded to puke my bowels out into the snow. 

I passed out there for a week straight whilst working off the meth, opium and crack binge. I awoke to villagers poking at me with shit smelling sticks, asking me if I was one of the “ronin.” “Get the FUCK OFF OF ME!” I screamed and swatted at the dickfors. They ran from me squealing like children when I produced my bloodied baby batter wand and began charging them like a maniac monkey god. A few days later, I was calm enough to ask a friend what happened. He told me that ----I STOPPED HIM THERE BECAUSE I HAD TO TAKE A MASSIVE CRAP AND TO KEEP IT FROM JAMMING ITSELF IN MY DOODLE DIAPERS, I WANKED HIS HEAD OFF WITH MY FUCKING JAGGED KATANA!!!!!!! 元禄十五年十二月十四日!!!!!!!!!

The fate of LZ 129

The Hindenburg Disaster

God damnit. I got my snotty ass kicked out of Berlin when I was 12. I'd been dealing with this tripe snorting motherfucker of some "new" political party. The guy was an assblaster. I mean a real dog sucking mole shit. He wore a brown shirt like it was glued to his rotting body. Sometimes he'd come home to ravage my rank bod and I'd try to claw at him and tear it off like a deranged hyena, screaming at him, "NO, NO PLEASE GOOD SIR SHOW ME YOUR ASSY NIPPLES!" He would only cringe and recoil like a fucking rat baby. At which point I'd have to beat him about the balls like he was a god damn balloon animal from hell. He would just lay there after, this little smirk on his face as I pissed into his mouth. Anyway, my German was no good and I barely understood him half the time. If anyone asked me why I was always around him, I'd just retort that I was his sex slave, his nasty, nasty, stinking concubine and I beat it off into his gully for franks and beans. I would tell people this, yes. But the honest truth is that I'd made my way into the Fatherland via rat boat.

I snuck on at New York Harbor, murdering a small, retarded porter and stealing his clothes. I spent the 3 week trip wreaking havoc on the tiny steamer, until eventually I'd either chained up most of the crew in a small sex hole, or I'd thrown them overboard. I was quite a sprite at that age. Eventually, I made my way into Berlin and I found this hob knobbler marching along with all these other hob knobblers and he looked ripe so I pantsed him and stole his wallet. The stink bomb took the bait and went charging after me. When he eventually caught me, I turned to him and smiled and he shrieked because my mouth was all bloodied from eating rat guts for the past week. He began to run but I struck him down with this makeshift rubber mallet I was carrying in this makeshift holster. He fell to the ground and he pulled a little plastic knife and tried to jab it at me like some fucking blind dumbass. I kicked at the dink knife and it flew away into the gutter. He threw up his hands to surrender, shouting "NEIN NEIN NEIN!" so I slapped him in the face with my kong balloon and he fell silent. We made sweet love inside this burnt out building. I will admit, to be fair to his memory, he would probably have called it brutal rape, but I really enjoyed myself, so I must refer to it as making sweet, sweet hot sweet sex hole love. Well, before I get too carried away and belch in my knickers I'll get back to my tale.

So eventually this assblaster was fed up. He would just cry whenever I came into his flat. I mean the bastard couldn't get rid of me and I understood. I used to follow him to his stupid political rallies and jeer at him and say funny things like "HE'S GAY HE'S GAY!" or "HE DOUCHES HIS MUFFIN TOP!! or they really loved this one: "HE SINGS EDITH PIAF WHILE HE MASTURBATES!" Haha, omg LOL that still gets me cause he would be so embarrassed. Anyway, one night, I am sound asleep in his wet spot and he's fartin' up a wet storm and I'm dreaming about clowns with penis heads when all of a sudden the door bursts open and a dozen of these goomba storm troopers come marching in. They wrest me from the toilet hole and blindfold me and throw me into the back of this meat-wagon. To this day, I still do not know what happened to my sweet, brown-shirt-wearing assblaster. Well I'm kicking up a storm, biting and butt pooing and spittin' and yelling like a fucked up cat and none of these bastards are saying a word. That gets me, so I erect my love rocket and start pissing. I hear someone scream and another began to beat me about the crotch until finally I passed out. When I came to, I was still bound and gagged, but I was on a god damned blimp.This is Thursday, May 6, 1937.

Oh my christ I was so fuming mad. I was in this little dink of a room, on the floor surrounded by cleaning products. They'd shaved my head and my nono hairs, much to my chagrin. I was all bloodied, but after I slipped from the barbed-wire bindings, I took a real long log jammin' sesh out the slightly ajar window. I found 20 franks in my pocket along with a note, which read: (translated from pig latin)

My sweet Roy. I realised that after our sex time, I did and do love you. But it was not meant to be. My party found out about our makings and I am loyal to my Fatherland and what is right and just for humanity. When our persecutors rise from the ashes of diplomacy, we will show our faces, pure and unblemished. May the forces of our better nature command these times, and may you always remember me as one who shown he hath faith in the most honest of races. Yours, Helmut

"Erm, Helmut? The fuck kinda name is that" I said. Well I quit reading there although I saw there was a postscript that looked like it was another four fucking paragraphs long. I blew a raspberry, crumpled the note, wiped my ass good and hard then chucked the shit paper out the window. I needed a drink. I always kept a flask shoved into my shoe and luckily it was still there. It was filled with pure absinthe and I downed the fucker in probably ten seconds. It hit me immediately. I was hungry as a rabid rhino in heat so I went for the door in search of grub. The little rubber door was locked, from the outside. I began beating on it with my fists like an enraged landlord. I was screaming at the top of my lungs for someone to open up or else I would "BLOW THROUGH THIS FUCKER WITH MY PIPE HOLE AND INVADE THIS COCKSUCKER!" I heard a few muffled screams from the other side so I tore a small shelf from the wall and used it like a god damned battering ram until finally the door gave way.

I emerged from the steaming janitor closet hallucinating like a mushroom on mushrooms inside of a horse fecal pile on Mars. Some dinky little porter comes up to me and tries to calm me down, but instead I wrest a vase from a little end table and bash it over his head. He went down with a fart. Then another little porter (I swear they were all midgets) comes running up to me crying that I beat up his friend, so I round-house kicked him in the face and his dumb ass went flying out the window. All these people were coming out of all these fucking rooms and I thought for a second I was in a god damned hotel. They were all staring at me and they started to look like they had pig heads and this made me scream. I recoiled in horror as they began chanting something about the "good of the people" and closing in on me. Well I had no idea where the fuck I was going. Every room I would pass there would be some asshole with like a pigeon head or a frog head and they would be hissing at me or masturbating and laughing or throwing spit wads and oh my god there were so many spiders and they were biting me all over my body and I was itching like mad. Finally I found a toilet and I began belching my brains out. I laid there after about forty minutes of vomiting, my feet pressed against the door with all of my might to keep the animal people out. I'm pretty sure I saw the door handle jiggle throughout. "STAY OUT YOU FUCKING FREAKS!" I was screaming. Well I finally started to come out of my ass hysteria and realized I wasn't in a bathroom at all. That somehow I'd wriggled my way into the guts of this aircraft and I'd been puking on all these workers. They were cowering in the corner staring at me like shit mice. I burped long and acidic then lit a cigarette. They all started screaming at me "NEIN DIR KANNST NICHT! NICHT RAUCHEN!" "Shut the FUCK UP!" I shouted and took a long hard drag then flicked the burning cigarette down at them. All of a sudden everything went to shit. The butt landed on something flammable and it ignited. A huge fireball engulfed the entire area. I was able to ride the burning shit pile down to some fucking field where I landed softly and made my escape. I watched the piece of shit burn up like a god damn candle. Some asshole next to me was crying and screaming "OH THE HUMANITY!" I bitch slapped him and told him to grow up. He urinated himself and ignored me.

I got bored and stole a car then made my way into the city where I spent the next few weeks strung out on heroin in a motel with some hooker named "Moses." 

Not the highest point in my life.

Half-life

The Chernobyl Disaster

For the longest time, I thought Chernobyl was a sparkling wine. Back in the eighties, I was running a lot of sweet sweet chewy. I had connections all over the world. Anyway, I found myself stuck in the dank tundra known as Ukraine. This place sucked. I mean it sucked major molten cock. I used to cry myself to sleep every night because I became so depressed with the food. Everything was rat burger. Rat burger and borscht. Rat burger and corn meal. Rat burger and human flesh with blanched asparagus. Rat burger pasta. Rat burger with ground goblin penis w/egg I mean the list goes on. The shit hole I lived in is called Pripyat. I lived in this cockroach infested single room toilet surrounding by about a thousand Russian dumbfucks. There was a small oil stove in the middle of the room where I would cook my rat semen ramen and occasionally prep my heroin anus blasts and then there was a period blood stained mattress. I remember it got colder than a witch’s cloven hoof. Well as you can imagine, during the winter things would slow down a bit with my sweet sweet china vagina train. Fewer and fewer cocksuckers were buying and fewer and fewer shipments were getting to me. I been through winter slumps before, but this was ridiculous. I became so bored that I found myself hitting the sleazeholes more often, selling to the assholes in body suits made of arctic fox, you know, the kind of people who have chauffeurs that carry AK-47s. A lot of these cunt caves were filthy - as in there was slime on the fucking walls and floors and when you’d walk around you would slip and slide all over the place and I’d be like “OH SHIT!” and I would usually slide right into some fuckin’ group of people and knock over their vodkas and they would all cry so I would just jump on the table and whip out my man hose and shake it like a sprinkler filled with baby squirm and they would all shriek and the bar keep would throw me out by the collar and I would lay on the freezing cold sidewalk trying to roll a cigarette when two fucking politsiyas would roll up on me saying they had a complaint and I would just wrestle them to the ground and tickle them until THEY PISSED THEMSELVES AT WHICH POINT I WOULD BRUTALLY RAPE THEM WITH THEIR BATONS.

ANYway, I got real bored. So eventually, I would get yanked off on vodka and stumble around the streets at night. There was this big ass power plant down the road a few miles. I liked to fuck around in there after hours. It was a helluva lot warmer in there than inside my god damn stove toilet at full fuckin turbo blast in SUMMERTIME. So it’s a Friday night. Well technically it’s a Saturday morning. I’m walking up the dinky trail to the gate I usually hop over and there’s this prick with a plastic flashlight shining the fucker in my face. He’s all “Что вы здесь делаете? Что вы здесь делаете??! Well I’m fucking trashed. I mean I am TRASHED. I don’t do well with vodka, I really don’t. It comes out of me as white diarrhea, I belch out my undigested food, and I generally murder without reason. I know I’m at least twelve bottles of LIFE WATER deep so I am feeling it. I look up at this skinny little cocksucker and in my best Sammy Davis Jr voice say, "Listen man, you seem like a coool cat! But I can't undastan a fukkin thang yous sayin!" Just then I almost spew all over him but hold it back with the tip of my pinkie like it's a cork in a punctured dog anal sac. He stares at me, his eyes widening in anger. “Вы здесь не разрешены! Вы должны идти!” He shouts at me, waving his little dink light and pushing me away from the fence. Well, him pushing me was not his smartest idea. The putrid gak in my mouth explodes. I let loose the juice and it flowed like a fire-hose. The butt-tard cried out as if he’d been sprayed with sulphuric acid and he fell on his ass. He kept dabbing his eyes and pulling his hands away to look at as if he assumed they would be melting. I pulled myself together after blowing out an ass spray that killed a small shrub at my rear, then I leaned in real close to this asshole on the ground and I whispered to him, “I can’t understand what the fuck you’re saying, you commie bastard.” I loved doing cold shit like that. Then I pulled a little pen knife I used to hide between my balls and I buried it in his throat. He made this awful gargling noise as his jugular opened up and spilt fresh shit all over me. I wriggled the blade around with effort, opening up his neck and he eventually closed his eyes as if falling asleep. I vomited on him, again, and kinda flopped down there next to him like a fool. I pocketed the knife and pulled out a vodka reload. I always had a nitroglycerin tablet under my tongue just in case you know and I accidentally swallowed it on that first gulp. Ugh I still remember that gulp, it burned like I was downing rancid Hindi piss. Well seeing as how I occasionally moonlight as a necrophilic cocksucker, I took advantage of the bloodied corpse, tearing open his britches with my teeth and gobbling down on his hob knob until I passed out from all the blood rushing to my head during my frenzy. After napping for about forty five minutes, I awoke with a nasty headache and the sky was barely starting to turn pink. Luckily I’d pulled the rentacop’s body off into the woods before devouring his cank stick, so the passing vehicles heading into the plant didn’t spot what I’d done. I kinda sat there for a minute, slouched against a tree, rubbing my eyes. When I came out of it, I realized I was still pretty drunk and decided I’d hop the fence and poke around anyway. I dressed myself in the rentacop’s uniform, even though it smelled like piss and shit and had blood and vomit all over it, then I made my way toward the gate. I wrested the bag of bath salts from my anus and smoked the entire bag before vomiting like one of those assholes in 28 days later. This is April 26th, 1986.

I scaled the fence at breakneck speed, tearing my scrotum on the high barbed wire, but I barely noticed because I was knee deep in a three day pcp binge. Once over the fence, I pretended to be a monkey for about a half an hour, running around in circles, hooting and throwing my arms around. A couple of lab shits stopped to stare at me, so I unleashed the wonka bat and charged them screaming “TROTSKY’S ICEPICK IS IN MY ASS! TROTSKY’S ICEPICK IS IN MY ASS!” and they scurried away like rodents. I chased them into this huge building and lost them near this panel of blinking lights the size of my apartment. I was so out of breath I collapsed on this godamm panel, striking my head on this row of switches and knobs. I began banging my face against the control board over and over again, much to the chagrin of the nearby security personnel, who'd surrounded me with batons. They looked as if they were watching an alien spilling out of a horse bladder. I screamed to the heavens like a wolf and banged my face again, this time inadvertently initiating a systems test on reactor four. Well Immediately I hear this incredibly annoying wailing noise coming from overhead. I threw my hands over my ears and screamed at the top of my lungs “SHUT THAT SHIT OFF! SHUT IT OFF! SHUT SHUT SHUT SHUT THAT SHIT OFF!!!!” Well all these little douche bags in white are scrambling around me and yelling at me. Some rinkadink motherfucker grabbed me from behind and started dragging me out of the control room and into the parking lot. I turned on him and bit a hunk of flesh from his arm, screaming so loud my voice was cracking. I spit the hunk of flesh into his face and hollered, "TASTE IT, MOTHERFUCKER!" Just then I heard this enormous BOOM and all these little bits of what looked like large ass pencil lead start landing all over the place. I threw this asshole off of my back and began picking up these smoldering pieces of graphite and shouted “LET’S DRAW, YOU DIP SHITS!!” and I started drawing rudimentary sketches of my penis on the wall of this building. Well everyone was dressed in these retard suits and they were just staring at me so I screamed "LOOK AT ALL THIS PENCIL LEAD YOU IDIOTS! LET US DRAW LIKE CHILDREN OF THE NIGHT! OOOGA OOOOOOGA!" and I jumped atop a car and began air humping for at least ten minutes until I was again grabbed from behind by some low life dip shit. I started screaming like I was an epileptic having a fucking meltdown. I was finally tackled by like seven of these retards and shoved into the back of this van. We go speeding off up over this little knoll and through the gate I hopped and I yelled at them to tell me what’s happening when this other enormous BOOM goes off behind us. The entire van rattles and the back windshield blows out. “C’mon guys get the fuck off of me! It’s after lunchtime and I feel like shit!” They just looked at me like confused mice and kept driving. Well about thirty minutes later we were in some shit hole called Belarus and I was shoved into some hospital. My hands were melted off and my dick was ballooning to the size of a small sperm whale. I didn’t care though because I all of a sudden had super human strength and began raping all the nurses with my melting nubs. Three weeks later, I’d been evacuated to Kiev and all my hair had fallen out. I looked like a naked mole rat on steroids and I’d grown three feet and my dick was now the size of a small sedan.

Using my new physique and power, I prowled around at night, terrorized the elderly and children. I loved to hide under cars and hiss at passerbys or rip horrendous farts into office building air conditioning units and when they would come pouring out I would beat them down and feed on their genitals. For weeks I did this. I became known in the papers as “Монстр Крыса Киева” or “The Monster Rat of Kiev.” After a while of that bullshit I became fed up with sleeping in toilets and with being nude in cold weather all the time so I moved to Cleveland and went to work for a ma and pa laundry near the river.