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| The Revenge of the Forty-Seven Ronin |
These were hard times. I mean hard, fucking bonerific times. I couldn’t get a job to save my life. Drinking out of cat piss barrels, snoozing in the womb of a prostitute named “Brandi,” I wandered from village to village, feigning insanity (which wasn’t hard) and pretending to have contracted leprosy. Everywhere I went; women and child alike would dart from me, screaming holy rape. I stumbled along, bottle of sake the size of my demon cannon in my hand, swinging my god damn katana like an infected garbage crab until I would eventually crash into some fucking rice-paper house then piss myself. As I said, hard fucking times.
About three years earlier, I ended up in some urinal called Honshῡ, playing house-retard to some rat in flowing robes. Day 1 some shithead throws me a blade and tells me to run around swatting at people who got too close to our liege. So I spent my days galloping around like a gilded tampon, swinging my sword at flabbergasted villagers whilst sucking on opium pipes and fuckin’ hookers. Anyway, one day I get this message from my sweet, sweet, blond anal boy informing me that our liege has committed seppuku. I didn’t know what the fuck that meant so I beat him down with a rock hard loaf of bread until he burped something about his mother and passed out. I stood there for a moment, watching him curled and pooing, until this big samurai I NEVER liked came barging in, his wonch hanging out and fully armored. He was screaming at me –I mean the fucker was SCREAMING at me– that I needed to suit up and meet him in the courtyard. Well I puked a little samswanch puddle as I was still hammered from the night before, threw on my armor (backward as I’d never really learned how to put that shit on anyway) and marched out toward the courtyard. On a lighter note, the armor was custom and hella classic. I had this little mole-rat of a boy do mine up (although it was considered “honorable” to oversee the construction yourself, I forced the slope to work through it during blow jobs and messy cumshots.) I had him build me a fucking dick for a helmet. No joke. The helmet was a giant penis. It looked awesome and glorious. Everyone else thought I was a lunatic, but who fucking cares? I was. I was a true samurai dick head LOL.
So I run out to the white gravel courtyard and on my way, I trip over this little bald dink raking fucking circles in the rock. I was so pissed I chopped at him with a little tinkle spoon and shouted that he was my new concubine. He squealed something in Japanese about me not being respectful or some shit so I kicked him in the mouth and wiped my grease on his toilet paper robe because I liked him. He fell to the ground muttering something about salmon belly rolls. Moving on, I saw that all the assholes in the guard had assembled. All three hundred or so, which concerned me BECAUSE THAT MEANT SOME MAUFUGGIN SHIT WAS ABOUT TO GO DOWN!!!!!!!!
Ōishi, our leader, stood in the center, solemn as a flaccid pebble-pipe on the Chinese New Year. He was meditating. I burped a sliver of seaweed and spat it on a passing porter - he cried. I felt a warming sensation in my crotch and realized I was more fudged up than I thought and that I was pissing myself AGAIN. "Jesus, again with the pissing!" I mumbled. This made me giggle for a few moments until I heard Ōishi speak. He said our lord had been forced to commit ritual suicide and that his family had been shamed, his retainers now ronin.
Well this was great news. This was great fucking news. So I threw my dick helmet in the air and shouted “WOOHOO!” because sarcasm wasn't really commonplace yet. Many of the samurai, now ronin, walked off in disbelief, kinda grumbling and crying. I was busy chopping up this statue of a pagoda with my little dagger, whooping and hollering like a trashed bitch! I did this for about an hour as the others walked away, some stopped to stare in disbelief at what I was doing. When I finally came to, I saw Ōishi still standing in the courtyard along with maybe fifty others. “Roy-San! You will stay or you will dishonor the Akō Domain! You will dishonor our daimyo Asano Takumi-no-Kami Naganori! With dishonor, your freedom! And as are all freedoms, you will die ignorant! Stay, Roy-San, and you will know the true meaning of honor! And as are all lotus, honor will bloom for you again and again!” Well Jesus on a fucking Toyota I had no clue what he was yammering about, but he convinced me with these strange words to join their circle. With a squint and a nasty fart, I walked to them. Here I learned they planned revenge. Kira Kozuke-no-Suke Yoshinaka, the cocksucker who’d betrayed our lord, was the source of our new reckoning, and with his death, forever honored our liege would be. I felt like I was in a fucking US Army recruiting commercial, but it made sense.
Now, usually I’d go halfway around the world for a great orgy, but wouldn’t muster the energy to cross the street for a noble cause. This time, it was all so very strange. I knew in my soul, I had to make right this wrong. Or perhaps it was the special mushroom clump I found near the shitter and eaten with breakfast. We circle jerked it and counted heads, made a secret oath that we would avenge our fallen master. Forty seven of us stood in that courtyard, planning what would be known as the assault of Asano Naganori on Kira Yoshinaka in the Matsu no Ōrōka of Edo Castle.
Three years passed loaded with debauchery. Ōishi and I went apeshit in the towns. I mean APE. As guessed, Kira sent spies to infiltrate our group; to be sure no harm would be coming to him. They were fully disappointed. Ōishi and I would hit up the whore-houses like every fucking night and get just so trashed that I was producing diarrhea in my shorts almost on command (like a frozen yogurt machine.) I was raping and pillaging like never before. I murdered two small children for rubbing my penis helmet when I dropped it outside a brothel. I raped fourteen virgin bros outside a Geisha squat for acting too much like me. I was chopping down cherry trees just to saw off one tooth pick to wedge out the shit (human) in my teeth. I was having so much fun that Ōishi had to take me aside one night and calm me down. He said we were just pretending to live this lifestyle and when it came time to act, that we must all be ready. I thought he was kidding because as I understood it, we were all just fucking around until the BIG fuck around came. Well once those fucking spies found Ōisho and I passed out in the street in puddles of our own fecal belch, they returned to Kira and told him ain’t no thang. Kira let his guard down and Ōish decided it was time.
We spent the next few weeks infiltrating Edo with weapons, which was a big fat fucking nononononono. Bunch of the other assholes started making their way inward. Some looked more fucked up than I felt. I got a job at the actual fucking castle as a cat pauper or ratshit scooper or fucking toilet attendant I don’t really remember what because I spent most of my time barfing into the royal bedrooms and stealing bulk rice wine. Later that week I managed to clamber up onto the fucking roof and was playing with my human dildo when I passed out in the darkness there. I set my rooster alarm for 25 minutes. This is Genroku 15, on the 14th day of the 12th month.
Fifteen minutes later I’m up to my elbows in fecal wipe and fucking snow. There was an angry head wind that had blown my knickers off the roof and into the yard where I was supposed to meet the other forty six. I barfed, feeling real nasty and made my way down to where I’d stashed my armor. Four of my colleagues were descending from the wall when I finally made my way. I met them in the middle and knocked out the guard there with my pulsating wong hatchet. By then Ōishi’s drum was rattling, signaling the coordinated attack. We posted some archers on the roof to cut down any attempt by Kira’s retainers to send for help, and made our way to the back door. I was so drunk I threw up again on the tiled floor and slipped on my ass, knocking over this large statue of a gyrating wolverine or something. Well fuck, that woke up Kira’s retainers from the rear barracks and charging in they came. The first two I killed immediately because when the door swung wide, they were terrified to see my gargantuan penis helmet (the rest of my armor I had to recreate as we were shamed out of our original armor. They penis helmet I reconstructed out of yak hair and human testicle skin) charging at them full throttle. They turned and ran and I struck them down in my drunken fury. Several tried to run for help, but our archers got them, and I couldn’t resist boning the corpses in the midnight snowfall.
After 25 minutes of fierce battle, Ōishi and the rest made our way to Kira’s bedroom. He was nowhere to be found. Ōishi touched the bed and, sensing it was still warm, assumed he couldn’t be far. I barfed on his hand touching the bed. “Jesus!” he said and shook the vomit from his hand and sword. Fuck me I felt like a burned out clam shell, like the foreskin of a bloated penile in a blender set to liquify, like testicles in a popcorn machine. By now it was starting to turn that open brain matter grey in the sky and I was blatantly urinating myself due to lack of spunk. Others in my crew would grab and shake me, demanding that I get a hold of myself. I would just laugh like a deranged manfish and swat at them with a broken Nerf bow. Finally we found the dink hiding in a charcoal hut toilet bowl and we chop his god damn head off. I was so fucking sick I immediately stumbled into the night where I proceeded to puke my bowels out into the snow.
I passed out there for a week straight whilst working off the meth, opium and crack binge. I awoke to villagers poking at me with shit smelling sticks, asking me if I was one of the “ronin.” “Get the FUCK OFF OF ME!” I screamed and swatted at the dickfors. They ran from me squealing like children when I produced my bloodied baby batter wand and began charging them like a maniac monkey god. A few days later, I was calm enough to ask a friend what happened. He told me that ----I STOPPED HIM THERE BECAUSE I HAD TO TAKE A MASSIVE CRAP AND TO KEEP IT FROM JAMMING ITSELF IN MY DOODLE DIAPERS, I WANKED HIS HEAD OFF WITH MY FUCKING JAGGED KATANA!!!!!!! 元禄十五年十二月十四日!!!!!!!!!