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| The Hindenburg Disaster |
I snuck on at New York Harbor, murdering a small, retarded porter and stealing his clothes. I spent the 3 week trip wreaking havoc on the tiny steamer, until eventually I'd either chained up most of the crew in a small sex hole, or I'd thrown them overboard. I was quite a sprite at that age. Eventually, I made my way into Berlin and I found this hob knobbler marching along with all these other hob knobblers and he looked ripe so I pantsed him and stole his wallet. The stink bomb took the bait and went charging after me. When he eventually caught me, I turned to him and smiled and he shrieked because my mouth was all bloodied from eating rat guts for the past week. He began to run but I struck him down with this makeshift rubber mallet I was carrying in this makeshift holster. He fell to the ground and he pulled a little plastic knife and tried to jab it at me like some fucking blind dumbass. I kicked at the dink knife and it flew away into the gutter. He threw up his hands to surrender, shouting "NEIN NEIN NEIN!" so I slapped him in the face with my kong balloon and he fell silent. We made sweet love inside this burnt out building. I will admit, to be fair to his memory, he would probably have called it brutal rape, but I really enjoyed myself, so I must refer to it as making sweet, sweet hot sweet sex hole love. Well, before I get too carried away and belch in my knickers I'll get back to my tale.
So eventually this assblaster was fed up. He would just cry whenever I came into his flat. I mean the bastard couldn't get rid of me and I understood. I used to follow him to his stupid political rallies and jeer at him and say funny things like "HE'S GAY HE'S GAY!" or "HE DOUCHES HIS MUFFIN TOP!! or they really loved this one: "HE SINGS EDITH PIAF WHILE HE MASTURBATES!" Haha, omg LOL that still gets me cause he would be so embarrassed. Anyway, one night, I am sound asleep in his wet spot and he's fartin' up a wet storm and I'm dreaming about clowns with penis heads when all of a sudden the door bursts open and a dozen of these goomba storm troopers come marching in. They wrest me from the toilet hole and blindfold me and throw me into the back of this meat-wagon. To this day, I still do not know what happened to my sweet, brown-shirt-wearing assblaster. Well I'm kicking up a storm, biting and butt pooing and spittin' and yelling like a fucked up cat and none of these bastards are saying a word. That gets me, so I erect my love rocket and start pissing. I hear someone scream and another began to beat me about the crotch until finally I passed out. When I came to, I was still bound and gagged, but I was on a god damned blimp.This is Thursday, May 6, 1937.
Oh my christ I was so fuming mad. I was in this little dink of a room, on the floor surrounded by cleaning products. They'd shaved my head and my nono hairs, much to my chagrin. I was all bloodied, but after I slipped from the barbed-wire bindings, I took a real long log jammin' sesh out the slightly ajar window. I found 20 franks in my pocket along with a note, which read: (translated from pig latin)
My sweet Roy. I realised that after our sex time, I did and do love you. But it was not meant to be. My party found out about our makings and I am loyal to my Fatherland and what is right and just for humanity. When our persecutors rise from the ashes of diplomacy, we will show our faces, pure and unblemished. May the forces of our better nature command these times, and may you always remember me as one who shown he hath faith in the most honest of races. Yours, Helmut
"Erm, Helmut? The fuck kinda name is that" I said. Well I quit reading there although I saw there was a postscript that looked like it was another four fucking paragraphs long. I blew a raspberry, crumpled the note, wiped my ass good and hard then chucked the shit paper out the window. I needed a drink. I always kept a flask shoved into my shoe and luckily it was still there. It was filled with pure absinthe and I downed the fucker in probably ten seconds. It hit me immediately. I was hungry as a rabid rhino in heat so I went for the door in search of grub. The little rubber door was locked, from the outside. I began beating on it with my fists like an enraged landlord. I was screaming at the top of my lungs for someone to open up or else I would "BLOW THROUGH THIS FUCKER WITH MY PIPE HOLE AND INVADE THIS COCKSUCKER!" I heard a few muffled screams from the other side so I tore a small shelf from the wall and used it like a god damned battering ram until finally the door gave way.
I emerged from the steaming janitor closet hallucinating like a mushroom on mushrooms inside of a horse fecal pile on Mars. Some dinky little porter comes up to me and tries to calm me down, but instead I wrest a vase from a little end table and bash it over his head. He went down with a fart. Then another little porter (I swear they were all midgets) comes running up to me crying that I beat up his friend, so I round-house kicked him in the face and his dumb ass went flying out the window. All these people were coming out of all these fucking rooms and I thought for a second I was in a god damned hotel. They were all staring at me and they started to look like they had pig heads and this made me scream. I recoiled in horror as they began chanting something about the "good of the people" and closing in on me. Well I had no idea where the fuck I was going. Every room I would pass there would be some asshole with like a pigeon head or a frog head and they would be hissing at me or masturbating and laughing or throwing spit wads and oh my god there were so many spiders and they were biting me all over my body and I was itching like mad. Finally I found a toilet and I began belching my brains out. I laid there after about forty minutes of vomiting, my feet pressed against the door with all of my might to keep the animal people out. I'm pretty sure I saw the door handle jiggle throughout. "STAY OUT YOU FUCKING FREAKS!" I was screaming. Well I finally started to come out of my ass hysteria and realized I wasn't in a bathroom at all. That somehow I'd wriggled my way into the guts of this aircraft and I'd been puking on all these workers. They were cowering in the corner staring at me like shit mice. I burped long and acidic then lit a cigarette. They all started screaming at me "NEIN DIR KANNST NICHT! NICHT RAUCHEN!" "Shut the FUCK UP!" I shouted and took a long hard drag then flicked the burning cigarette down at them. All of a sudden everything went to shit. The butt landed on something flammable and it ignited. A huge fireball engulfed the entire area. I was able to ride the burning shit pile down to some fucking field where I landed softly and made my escape. I watched the piece of shit burn up like a god damn candle. Some asshole next to me was crying and screaming "OH THE HUMANITY!" I bitch slapped him and told him to grow up. He urinated himself and ignored me.
"Erm, Helmut? The fuck kinda name is that" I said. Well I quit reading there although I saw there was a postscript that looked like it was another four fucking paragraphs long. I blew a raspberry, crumpled the note, wiped my ass good and hard then chucked the shit paper out the window. I needed a drink. I always kept a flask shoved into my shoe and luckily it was still there. It was filled with pure absinthe and I downed the fucker in probably ten seconds. It hit me immediately. I was hungry as a rabid rhino in heat so I went for the door in search of grub. The little rubber door was locked, from the outside. I began beating on it with my fists like an enraged landlord. I was screaming at the top of my lungs for someone to open up or else I would "BLOW THROUGH THIS FUCKER WITH MY PIPE HOLE AND INVADE THIS COCKSUCKER!" I heard a few muffled screams from the other side so I tore a small shelf from the wall and used it like a god damned battering ram until finally the door gave way.
I emerged from the steaming janitor closet hallucinating like a mushroom on mushrooms inside of a horse fecal pile on Mars. Some dinky little porter comes up to me and tries to calm me down, but instead I wrest a vase from a little end table and bash it over his head. He went down with a fart. Then another little porter (I swear they were all midgets) comes running up to me crying that I beat up his friend, so I round-house kicked him in the face and his dumb ass went flying out the window. All these people were coming out of all these fucking rooms and I thought for a second I was in a god damned hotel. They were all staring at me and they started to look like they had pig heads and this made me scream. I recoiled in horror as they began chanting something about the "good of the people" and closing in on me. Well I had no idea where the fuck I was going. Every room I would pass there would be some asshole with like a pigeon head or a frog head and they would be hissing at me or masturbating and laughing or throwing spit wads and oh my god there were so many spiders and they were biting me all over my body and I was itching like mad. Finally I found a toilet and I began belching my brains out. I laid there after about forty minutes of vomiting, my feet pressed against the door with all of my might to keep the animal people out. I'm pretty sure I saw the door handle jiggle throughout. "STAY OUT YOU FUCKING FREAKS!" I was screaming. Well I finally started to come out of my ass hysteria and realized I wasn't in a bathroom at all. That somehow I'd wriggled my way into the guts of this aircraft and I'd been puking on all these workers. They were cowering in the corner staring at me like shit mice. I burped long and acidic then lit a cigarette. They all started screaming at me "NEIN DIR KANNST NICHT! NICHT RAUCHEN!" "Shut the FUCK UP!" I shouted and took a long hard drag then flicked the burning cigarette down at them. All of a sudden everything went to shit. The butt landed on something flammable and it ignited. A huge fireball engulfed the entire area. I was able to ride the burning shit pile down to some fucking field where I landed softly and made my escape. I watched the piece of shit burn up like a god damn candle. Some asshole next to me was crying and screaming "OH THE HUMANITY!" I bitch slapped him and told him to grow up. He urinated himself and ignored me.
I got bored and stole a car then made my way into the city where I spent the next few weeks strung out on heroin in a motel with some hooker named "Moses."
Not the highest point in my life.