BAG A SMOOTH ONE

 I was so drunk.

I'd been sipping meal secretions and vomit from a tube I'd found beneath a doorknob in hell not two weeks prior and I'll tell you, these bodies I go through? Well they look like a used toyota corrola after two men have sex inside of the pistons whilst gulping dog piss. yEAH

Anyway, I'm sniffing and snorting real hard on this horse anus outside of a Walmart in Grand Rapids and I'm fumbling through my bullshit because today oh my word is the day I got to fuck with David "the postmaster" Burkowitz.

thIS is the strangest thing because you had to have been there, but when I showed up at this asshole's apartment a few weeks later after the whole Walmart horse thing. My god I was not doing well. I had this terrible infection in my shoulder from a god damned box cutter piece that broke off there when I tried to fly a plane in to the world trade. Anyway, I'm not feeling so hot because the cameltoe I was suffering from had dug so deep into my bowels that I had pieces of rotting polyester inside of my goober pipes. So as I'm struggling to get in through the front of the building where the beast man is hanging out, I keep bashing my forehead into the front door and this little old man pokes his head out and says, "Hey whoa whoa buddy knock that off" which got my glob pump real juicy so I says "hey whoa whoa yourself, old little sweet tits!" and this lil feller kinda creeps out a bit further but he looks and acts like he's blind even though he's got a newspaper in his curled fucker and I say "Hey man you like meat or filth.

God damnit I was so stinky. I pooped right into a lil face of a negro bitch and I hopped two feet in the air and shouted "YO SIMPLY THE BEST" and fell so swiftly with a fart and belted out "POOO YOUR SIMPLY THE BEESSST!!" and at this point there were police lights and I kept swaying and it was so weird and then the popos showed and they drew theyre wepons and i came I screamed like a maniac and droped my guns and my pants and  I ran so fast at them that they dropped their guuns and ran from my dingle dangle and I  ran OH CHRIST DID I RIN amnd i FOred my pistol into the ari and I SCREAMED WHITH PRECISION aand I barfed into the soil and the women ther barfedtoo and  Ibackhancded the bitch because one niggsa cant be too bookoo and whoohwhoa there was one little bitch faggot gots in ma way way so i sucked his penis like a horse drinking water and it was glorious to the point that we were vomittng together nigger.

And I layed in my own filth, farting and fucking around, then there came a faggot police officer. "FUCK YOU, BITCH FAGGGORRT!!" I shouted, but there was a whole hell of a lot of vomit that sprayed and I realized "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD I AM FEELING SOME PROUD BOYSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!" Jesus I screamed so loud that a jet flying over fell out of the sky and crashed in a violent brilliance among the sea and the cloud. Christ I was drunk. I immediately hailed a cab to Portland, Oregon. "What am I doing what am I doing what am I doing" I kept repeating as I was tugging on the demon tube, spraying the divider again and again with seemlingly relentless corn chowder of man fuck. "OH MY GOD" I shouted and the driver hissed at me over his shoulder and the vehicle picked up with pace. I was headed to the north coast, penis in hand, a loaded Glock .22 in the other. OOOOOOOHHHH MAMAMA I wanted to fuck.

I'd heard of chuds before. Hell, they were part of me. I'd wanted proud. I wanted to be proud. I wanted...proud boys. I'd stolen a fuckwad of a truck near the Fremont bridge where I'd finally crawled to, from the filth of the willamette river. My eyes were blind with blood AND I had the Glock shoved into my buns and I was gently singing lines from the bible as I slathered onto the shore near the slabfagtown.

This is December, 2019.

mY NAME is Roy. I shouted. There weren't a lot of people around but that didn't matter in fact it was a good thing because I was seriously HOARNEY. "BRANDON" I hollered like a psychopath. "BRaNDON FARLEY I NEED YOUR HORN!!" But it was hard to maintain my stammer and I fell over down the god damned hill into oncoming traffic and my hose was spraying violently to and fro and oh my christ was it sexy. "BRANDON" I was screaming as a pair of PDX popos rolled up to my rotting corpse. "HEY MOTHERS!!!!" I screeeeeched like a crazed animal. "SHOW US YOUR HANDS!! SHOW US YOUR FUCKING HANDS!!" they screamed at me but I couldn't stop tugging at my cookie nose frog and it kept booping the curd and I was farting like nobody's business and then the meth started kicking in (i snorted like a lot of meth not an hour earlier) and then i decided to hop to and I flew over the river toward pioneer square like a cunt of the land and oooooooh I shouted and I yelled "MEERRRY CHRISTMAS" because I saw this like yellowish tail following me but it was my ass gas and it was actually kind of terrible and i vomited and it fell all over the spirit and I felt bad because a lot of it ended up in people's glasses.

There, right in the square, I found Brandon fuckin Farley. The man of my dreams. lISTEN, i LIKE indecent journalism. I like faggy fucking FUCK bouys. Farley is a neat little fainty cuss. So I find him. He's dancing around like a coookie lil mouse beast and he's doing the lord's work and I stand before him and I lay on the ground and I produce my HOURSE HOOF and it comes out of my canvas beast pant and he kind squirms for a second and I shout "HEY FUCKBOY IT'S ME!! CHRIST BEFORE THEE!!" and he's confused so I take that as a moment to make it real and I grab his face with my talon hands and bring it real close and say "Remember upon the conduct of each depends the fate of all." AND i bend him over a knee and put my honky tonk gooky tooky into his hooch fuck and he's screaming n' creaming like a little bitch so I kick him in the face a few times and he shuts his shit like a good dick fag and I say hey look nigger lover you ain't now Messiah, I AM. THen I commence peeing into his mouth and he's gargling and crying and I am just so excited because he is my new boyfriend and I'm like bae chill then the cops are back and I get real livid.

"IT'S THE COPPERS BRANDY!!" I shouted and he kinda squirms, spitting the pee out of his poop hole and he goes, "PLEASE SIR" and I backhand him because he's actin retard and I go hey look let us hold one another so I shove his face into my hot hot heat and he starts gagging (which is normal) and snorting and farting and puking so I commence blows unto him for at least a few minutes while I smile and gently whisper passages from Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass. weLL, AT some point I decided that Brandy was actually kind of a nigger faggot and I had to move on because FUCK i HAD other things to do than shove small pouches of mentos and banking soda into a gay man's rectum lol. Just kidding no but seriously I had to and a small old homeless woman was so perturbed so I fucked her too. Best fuck of my life.

moving ON. BANG is one of my favorite words. I speak every language. Shit. Santa speaks the language of all children, right? So I huffed some gasoline and took a spell at Mary's before I was thrown to the street and confronted AGIAN by portland's finest. Jesus they were pissed. SWAT was all over the place and if you know me at all I knew how to know how to deal with those action hungry fuck faces so I danced about like amagician and farted real heartily and a lot of them passed out so I could move on...to...BANG. tHAT'S right you faggy bitch. I need your flowery bullshit stinky cunt. I loaded up on my hooka stank beemus falsh moust and got so loaded on horse semen and bleach (i've become accustomed to drying the horse sheeeem and snorting it so fuck you) and I GOT REAL HOT AND HEAVY AND I JERKED OFF ONTO THE FLOOR AND SCREAMED.GOD DAMN I FEEL SO SEXY I shouted into the night. The river really is pretty at night. As it was the night I fucked ALLLYSSAA in the FACE with my poop. Yes, I used feces.

I REFfuse to get into it toooo deeply because my god was she LOOSE. I found her in a room full of other fucktards and oh how they whined when I burst in through the door and I slapped two idiots out of the way so hard that one of them flew out the window like a retard and I was like OOPS and they all started screaming and I produced my CUM cannon and started spraying cabbage all over the place but it felt so weird to be so exposed so i shouted "BRANDY GAVE YOU UP" and I new then and there that the little Alyssa was in my hose cannon show. She looked at me with these terrified by confused eyes and I waited not two seconDS. i REACHED for her with my satanic pupila and forced her whorish mouth into my cave of barnacle monkey smell and she cried and gagged and I took my time when I bent her over my callous kneeees and fucked her in her ear with a small cat. It was AMAZING HOW MUCH SHE BEGGED FOR ME TO STOP.

Christ, what a whirlwind. I remembered that I hated traveling to the present. My heart hurt. My mind hurt. The world seemed just a little tooooo in touch with how so eloquent the decisiveness of our actions are almost assuredly to be. Not to be pejorative, and not to be unsound, but the demon to pinched the poke of the proud faggot boys was ME. 

A Neon Oblivion

The first time I drank the tears of God I was newly demon. But what the fuck. I was rip-roaring and tootin' around Barrow, Alaska with an arrow jutting out of my left shoulder from earlier that week. It was elk hunting season after all. I couldn't stop crying and it was really freaking out the people who lived there. I kept screaming out the window of the Bronco I was driving, "TWO STINKY PLOPS, ONE FAT DICK!" I couldn't stop that either. I was banging on the steering wheel and blasting Wild Billy Childish & The Buff Medways’ Fanciers Association – ‘Steady The Buffs’ and I had it going so loud that people were coming out of their homes just to see what the hell was happening.

Most were covering their ears. I was also spraying husband bulge cream-gurt all over the windshield like a fucking maniac so it was hard to see and I may have hit a dog or a horse (I CAN'T REMEMBER BECAUSE I WAS ON METH/SEMEN). Now if you've never been to Barrow, it's a small place, not much there. That stupid vampire movie takes place there with Josh Bartlet or whatever his name is.
So at this point I DECIDED I AM IN-FACT a faggot clown.

God DAMNIT. So I take my time with a weird little turnout with my face in the sewer and I am screaming into a puddle, which amounts to a burble of terrifying burp language. Anyway as the SUN set for the last time for 30 days, I wrested my crooked, shrunken glob cone from it's cave and began yanking at it with such force that bits of skin and muscle were coming off in my curled claws and I was really getting into it. I siphoned the gas from the bronco and spit it all in one unholy blast over the Eddie Bauer upholstry within and lit a match. You could see the blaze for miles. I know because I began walking through the snow back toward Barrow, a tire iron in my hand; barefoot; puking bile and horse manure; and gently humming "My nearer god to thee" with one broken ankle and a .45 pistol in the other hand. You see i HAD vengeance on my breath, in my scabbed, scabies-filled heart. You morons don't understand that the War in Heaven isn't a one time happening.

You don't understand that it wasn't a one time thing you read about with your dad and grandma as they beefed your horned rat porp. Naw nigga, when I was hurled to earth by the big bitch himself, it was eternity you fuck. There are some ratty shit pages out there somewhere explaining this, when I was a bit more eloquent FUCK YOU. yEAH MICHael and his army advanced on us and it looked like flower petals in a neon oblivion of nothing. I remember advancing with my pike of eternity, screaming with honor and hatred mixed together in a blend of pink and greens oh it was a sight to see. But it was decreed by God to never end. So it continues still. Anyway, had a FLASHBACK, sorry. HEading into Barrow I relived that shit. And I got to bonking on the nuggets and peep turd real hard. It was disgusting. I remember vomiting just because I looked down and saw what i was doing. When I entered Barrow it was sunset.

This is November 28, 2014.

BRRRR!! Fuck you it was colder than a dirty whore inside of a Volkswagon frozen inside of a toooon monkey. My head was buzzinf k= MY HEAD was buzzing like a helicopter inside of a whore's vagina. My chim milk was spilling onto the new snow like oil and I kept hollering, "SHOW ME THE MONEY" as I limped down the looming street. In an instant, I was transported into a hallway among one of the many houses along cunningham street and I attacked the first, lowly soul I could find. She was an older woman, maybe 200 years old, and I shouted "ARE YOU SPRY BITCH" but my balls hurt and I fell before her, sipping bleach and snorting some ocycotin (it may have been dried horse semen) and I again exploded from my NASDAQ hose. Yuck. She squealed and scurried from me. But I called after her, "HEY LET'S MAKE THIS REAL!" My pants were long gone and I was bleedling from my hose and my lips and I looked like a melted dog shit.

Don't juge me from this encounter alone, but I caught up to the old wench and bit her vagina off and chewed it like bubble gum as she lay dying in the snow. i HOWELED to the skies with an upsidown boner that resembled a makeshift fart cloud and it was all right with me. I clambered into the city hall and screamed something about urine before i found myself in handcuffs and shoved beneath a bench. i MUST've passed out because I woke to a sobering belt of gas from me own anus and my god it melted paint off the walls. I danced around for a hot second screaming, "I AM KEVIN FROM HOME ALONE 2 I AM KEVON FROM HOMO ALONG ROO!!" and semen was spewing from my dolphin sprayhole like a fucking cannon. "OH MY!" I screamed and it punched a hole in the fucking concrete.

Well that was enough, I began crying like a little boy. "FAGGOT!" i screamed through my tears. iN Time I scurried over the town and at most of the occupants with a nasty cry for help. NO one listens to me though. And as I raped, and as I pillaged, more went missing and more were killed. My dad was happy. And God was happy - that runt. WE may have lost the war, but IDGAF. I SHIT MYSELF SO MANYTIMES.

Do you know what the sound of a squeezed out pecker makes when you stomp on it in the freshly fallen snow?

WANNA BE A GREAT DARK MAN

In 1997 I got really into Max Headroom. I mean it was embarrassing. The dude's days were long gone and yet here I was, living out of a moving box off 93 near Big Arm, Montana, leaking naughty fluids from my bloated pfeffer hose and eating potted meat from a dead man's shoe, contemplating major reconstructive surgery. I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted to be Max Headroom. I had made drawings of the procedure, so I was pretty fucking clear on what needed to be done. I was going to have my forehead raised, hairline trimmed back, chin chiseled and cut square, wider, thinner lips, beady eyes, and blond hair plugs up the ass. I also was pretty square on having sunglasses grafted to my face using black people skin. Oh yeah, I was gonna be a keeper. So I stole a car and made my way to Missoula. I called ahead and set an appointment at the Montana Plastic Surgery Center. Oh mama I was SO FUCKING PUMPED I could barely keep the car on the road. Not to mention I'd been drinking, heavily. I was on my twelfth bottle of brute and I needed money.

I stopped in Polson around noon and held up a Texaco with a little .38 I kept buried in my nono huh uh area. I murdered two people in the parking lot because I felt like it. A little over an hour later I pulled up to the clinic. I shit my pants and cried in the lobby for a good twenty minutes before gathering the nerve to approach the short, frock of a woman slumped over behind the counter. Her eyes were going in two different directions and her mouth was hanging open like a wet hole in the earth. I snapped my fingers and said, "hey retard, you in there?" She blinked furiously and farted. "You want doctor, father?" Doctor father? I giggled like a psycho and backhanded her. "Yes get me one of your fucking quacks out here before I shit myself again." She crawled out of the room, blubbering and crying.

I sat back down in the waiting room and shit myself anyway. My god it stank. A small man sitting nearby gagged, then covered his mouth with the back of his wrist and muttered, "Good grief!" before scampering off into a hole in the wall. Another man, across from me, was staring at me like I had four heads and dick growing out of my face. I said "why don't you take a picture, you fucking faggot" and I dug out a real nasty booger and flicked it at him. It landed right in his agape mouth and he shrieked like a woman and got up and ran away right into a wall and knocked himself out cold. After about an hour of waiting, this short, shriveled dick weed comes sauntering out and says, "Mr. Blags? Mr. Blags?" I leaped out of my chair and landed directly on his head. He fell to his knees and emitted a quirky little scream. "THAT'S MEEEE!!" I belted out, released a horrid spray of hot gas that left a permanent stain on the lobby wall. The man rolled to his side, holding his golf balls and whimpering lightly. "Oh my god," he whispered. I beat him about the face with my goulash pipe until he screamed at me to stop. So I did. He asked me to follow him to see the doctor so down the hall we went, him limping and still holding his goobers. The whole way down the hall I kept slapping him in the back of the head with a small stick I'd found outside. He kept his head lowered and squeaked a little "owie" every time I rapped him on the noggin.

So I get into the little room and I take a piss in all of the cabinets and drawers and the piss smells like coffee or rotting meat or both and I throw up just a little and I slipped on the burp up and hit my fucking head one of the open drawers. I sit there on the floor in the puke and my head is bleeding like a god damned stuck pig when in walks the doctor. He stands there completely taken aback. His eyes are wide and his mouth is hanging open and he's just frozen and very confused. I say "SEX IN A TUB? THAT DOESN'T WORK!" and I rip another horrid fart, but this time a little slice of turd spills out and it smells so bad the doctor vomits and it goes all over my face and someone down the hall shouts, "hey keep it down out there!" and I grab the doctor and I say listen you fucking yes man, towing the company line, you make me look like Max Headroom or I'll fucking tear your head off and shit down your neck hole." I said this last part so quietly the doctor had to lean in to hear me. When he did hear me, he jerked back and said, "Oh well I uh...hehe...ok, what did you uh, have in mind, sir?" As he said this he wiped some vomit from his mouth and began writing something illegible on a little clipboard he pulled out of his pants. So I laid it out for him. I talked and he wrote it all down, nodding here and there and saying "oh, oh wow" once or twice. Then I said, "And finally, I am pretty square on having sunglasses grafted to my face using black people skin."

The doctor stopped writing and looked up at me from his notes. "Oh, oh wow" he said and I grinned like a maniac. He said, "Ok Mr. Blags, I think we have everything we need to get going on this here, uh procedure." "Yeah find whatever you piece of shit" and I waved him away. He stood awkwardly and thanked me for some reason then waddled out of the room. I sat there in the same place where I'd slipped and fallen and I was weeping softly because I had a hemorrhoid hanging out of my crack like a god damned anal labia. All of a sudden these two jacked up police officers bash in through the door with their guns drawn and they're screaming at me to get on the ground get on the ground. I'm nursing my head and I said "You bobble-headed retards I'm already on the floor" and I burped another anal belch and they both filled their cheeks with air and their eyes bulged in their heads and they scurried from the room gagging and burping. One of them said "Mother of god" and I'm pretty sure he was puking at that point. I yowled like a stepped on cat and jumped out the fucking window and went scampering down the street like a fucked up retard. People on the street were shocked.

I headed out of Missoula and made my way east where I hitchhiked with a small family from Boise headed to Maine. I killed them with my anal blasts on accident one brisk morning and left their bodies to rot outside of North Dakota. I drove their minivan until it ran out of gas somewhere near Minneapolis. Fucking fags. Max fucking Headroom man. Max fucking Headroom. I need to wipe.