Let them give head.

The Death of Marie Antoinette

It was October. I remember the month because I was planning on being a murdered hooker for this cocktail party I'd been invited to. So I spent several days killing prostitutes on the streets of Versailles and using their skins to build me a real life murdered hooker costume. It was disgusting. I think I still have the suit somewhere - it turned out pretty awful. It's now all leathery and moth-eaten, but I was thinking of selling it on eBay or some shit. Anyway, it was October and the entire country was just one giant bag of assholes. This bitch of a moose whore was taking everything from the people and not that I gave a flying fuck, but I moonlit as a guillotine borreau. The work sucked major dick, but I enjoyed saving the heads (when I could) and giving myself head using the head and I would pump until I burst milky, greenish egg from my sexual crayon and the repulsive mixture would go down the throat and sorta slime it's way down and out the spinal column. I used to run around sometimes with the head still stuck on my quaffer singing the La Marseillaise and farting up something awful. I don't think my neighbors much cared for me. I also skinned their cats alive before making casseroles out of the carcasses and leaving it on their doorstep with a little note that read, "Don't be a pussy. - Frank". Any way it's middle October and I get this fucking notice that we're killing the Queen. Well, she wasn't queen anymore at this point, but it didn't matter. As the royal high executioner, I was somewhat pumped, mostly because of the head. I wanted head from Marie and god damnit I was going to get it. Regardless of that, I planned on breaking into her cell the night before and raping her in the ass with my fists just for the fuck of it.

This is October, 1793.

So earlier that year, I was in touch with this faggot named Count Axel von Fersen who was supplying me with some real chewy nastiness that I would snort like a pig from hell just before the killings. I go over to his rat's nest to get my weekly supply and who is he boning in the shower? Fucking Antoinette. I was pissed because I wanted to bone her. So in a rage, I raped him in the butt with a fire poker all the while she's screaming and her tits are out so I started punching at them like they're a pair of overripe wrecking balls. I am sweating so profusely that I hardly noticed that I had pissed myself at some point during the altercation. So Fersen is unconscious on the floor and bleeding profusely from the anus. I decided I'd had enough so I dragged the bitch into the streets and a posse got together and whisked her away to Paris. It was a mess.

Fast forward a few months and now here we are. T minus an hour or so. I've got my red panties on and I'm upright in the stirrups if you know what I am saying. I was very intoxicated, very intoxicated, and was trying to hold myself up on stage in front of this massive crowd you know and I am leaning on the guillotine (Karen is what I called her) and this dumbass woman holds her son up and says, "Look that is the high executioner!" So I scream at them to "GET THE FUCK BACK" and in the process of delivering the warning, I vomited. Of course. It was a horrid, putrid, piping hot puke too and it just blanketed the mom and son duo. So he starts wailing and she's crying so I boot her in the fucking mouth and whip out my honk baton and start pissing on her as she's laying on the ground knocked clean out. I grab the crying little boy and I ate his brains, a steady stream of oily diarrhea pooling at my bucket top boots.

So about an hour goes by and I'm unsuccessfully trying to hold in a massive shit. I am squirting prune juice from the squelch hole and it's ruining my britches, but that wasn't such a big deal considering I was already covered in vomit. Hungover as fuck, pissed off and horny, I got super fucking angry when everybody started cheering. "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU DISGUSTING WORMS!" I bellowed at them until I realized they were cheering because Marie was being led up to the stage. Well my puffin claw starting getting nice and juicy and hard and it's bulging in my pants like a god damn swollen loaf of grade a steer and I notice some old man staring at it with eyes as wide as saucers. I picked a rock solid booger and flicked it at the idiot. That broke his dumb ass stare. I laughed and he ran away weeping and muttering something about respect or some shit.

So here comes Marie and her hair looks like shit so I go to town shearing off the lovely locks so my blade gets a cleaner cut and she's crying softly and so to make her feel better I tell her that I'm going to cum into her decapitated head, I didn't actually say the word head, I think I called it a cum dumpster. Yeah, I said, "Hey Marie I am going to cum into your decapitated cum dumpster." Well, that just made her cry more so I decided fuck it and I shoved her to her knees. I said, "Have some fucking courage, you dumbass." She looked at me and said, "Courage? The moment when my ills are going to end is not the moment when courage is going to fail me." I said, "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" But I only did that so she would start talking so her mouth wouldn't clench shut when I chopped her god damned cum dumpster off. So just as she is responding I let the blade loose. It's a clean cut, hardly any blood at first, and the head plopped neatly in the basket at my feet. I accidentally vomited on her body but was careful to not disturb the head. The crowd gasped at my antics, but slowly began to cheer and cheer and I was screaming at them that I had a headache and to shut the fuck up, but it took me actually unzipping the mutilated corn cob and thrusting my veiny totem pole into the decapitated head and pumping hard and long and smooth in front of the dumbstruck crowd for them to shut their shit. Everyone just stopped and stared in silence. Well, a few people were screaming and I remember seeing a few people crying. I just pumped faster and faster and Marie's eyes were sort of rubbering around the scene before they rolled into the back of her head. I could feel a strange seizing as her muscles relaxed and I unloaded my spermin' blunt into the back of her throat. A man cried out, "Heavenly god!" I howled and howled and beat on my chest while Marie's head hung tightly from my throbbing member, curdled milky slime spilling out over her lips and from the hole where her body used to attach.

After this stunning display, I lost my job as high executioner and went on unemployment. I never did end up making that cocktail party and eventually moved to Turkey where I found a job cleaning out sex stalls just south of Istanbul.

Oh, stewardess?

Malaysia Flight 370

I don't work well with others. The last time I had a real job that I didn't spend fucking some clueless bonehead in the ass for the majority of the time, I was a shoe salesman in Tampa. Welll after I got fired for turning a customer's balls into my own personal sex trampoline, I was fired and had to move back in with my fucking retarded cousins in Kuala Lumpur. They own a sweatshop that makes dildos made out of worms and old boots. They sell these fucking things half way across the world for quadruple what they're worth, which is shit. Anyway, I made my way to Koala Lamper and get there and my cousins house is one big shithole meth lab, which is cool because I was craving some nasty rat chew.  So I'm in their shit house, somewhere outside of Sapang, which is close to the airport. These idiots are all fucked up and rubbing on one another's semen hogs when I burst in through the front door and scream, "CHIM CHIM YOU FUCKING SAND NIGGERS!?!?" Well, these retards did not like this one bit considering they were on meth and two or three went scattering like fucking cockroaches and the other four drew these little tard pistol and opened fire on me. I freaked out and spun like a top there in the doorway and unloaded my bowels with such force that one of my eyeballs popped from its socket and hung on my face like an aborted yoyo from hell. These douche bags with the toy guns start screaming and hollering and as their voices are drowned out by my fucking feces cannon hose, I get to vomiting blood and horse shit and I have to excuse myself for a beer.

SO I waddled my bleeding ass down the street and this faggy Mitsubishi Lance with a dinky blue light bar on the roof pulls up to my right. I hadn't bothered to pull my shit-soaked shorts up, so my shrunken cucumber is hanging there like a burned up garden worm. These two cock trumpets approached and I finally notice that the Lancer says POLIS on the door and I laugh to myself because I fucking hate cops so before they even open their mouths I pounce on the one closest to me whilst bashing the other in the corn bread bags. He goes down with a childish whimper, curls into a ball and just kinda lays there crying for the rest of the event. Well the yellowish boob I've pounced on is squirming with all his might to wriggle out from under MY 300 LBS OF MEAT but I've got him pinned something awful. My red rocket is taking shape now and my mouth starts to water, so I get real close to him to where my bloodied red eyeball, still hanging by a thread, gently caresses his cheek. He starts to scream, so I start screaming with him and began humping a little you know to really get into the moment. This pudgy bastard feels like a water baby under my loin of groin and I'm rubbin' on him real hard when a second Lancer pulls up.

Well I'm low on brown juice and I've got blue balls and my eye is still hanging from its socket so I dismount the terrified wiener child cop and turn toward these other two who've just shown up. They have their batons out like they're actually going to do shit to me. One of them is panting like a dog. The other is drooling and mumbling something about pants and horses. I took advantage of the moment and pulled this little 9mm stinger I keep sewed into the side of my ball sac and fired at them six times. The panting idiot took the first two in the forehead and went to his knees then faceplanted on the cement in a cloud of red. The second took off one of his shoes and threw it at me then took off running and threw his baton at me over his shoulder. I took aim with the stinger and hit him three times in the ass and he squealed, "WOOHOO WOOHOO WOOHOO!" like fucking Roger Rabbit each time he was hit. The bullets didn't stop him but this big ass street sign that said "HUMAN WASTE" with a little picture of a guy shitting did. He ran right into the god damned pole and knocked himself out. Well, I took this opportunity to milk his penguin and after consuming several lukewarm grogs of baby batter, puking four or eighteen times, I decided I'd had enough of this shithole. I stole one of the Lancers and made my way the 10 miles or so to the airport and bought myself a ticket to Beijing since I had business there anyway and I'm not even sure my cousins remembered me.

This is late evening, March 7th, 2014.

At KLIA, I ditched the Lancer in a nearby field and after huffing ipratropium bromide for a good forty minutes, I made my way into the tICKETING. This little dink of a woman was standing on a stack of phonebooks. She must've been three feet tall. Her eyes were looking in two different directions and she never spoke, she just moaned and farted a few times. I paid for my ticket with one of those cops' credit cards and pissed on the scale when this little man with a bulbous face asked if I had any luggage. "TAKE THAT WITH US WE MIGHT NEED IT" I sprayed at him. He whimpered and ran away like a rat when the lights turn on.

So I hobble through this fucking terminal and I stop by Burger King for two or three whoppers that I proceed to shove into my pants because it's a long trip you know and these mammoth fucking cockroaches start falling out of my trousers and it's making me sick so I puke and the entirety of my vomit consists of human semen, which makes me puke again and this small Chinese family is screaming and batting at me with these little toy umbrellas and I'm all "KNOCK IT THE (BURP) FUCK OFF (HICCUP) YOU FUCKING GOOKS (BELCH)" and this just makes them more angry so I have to pull out these mangled whoppers and the buns are all torn apart and I start chucking these things like Randy Fucking Johnson and one of them hits the little man of the Chinese family and makes this squeal and it sounds like a fart, but then I realize it is a fart and it smells like fish sauce which makes me puke again and I slip in the puke. Next thing I know is I'm being chased by all this security and they have these tasers that keep bouncing off my flapjacks and setting things on fire. I finally make it aboard this god damn bus and it's packed and stuffy and I'm pissed and covered in semen vomit. I picked out a seat at random and passed out in my own stool.

Well, I guess I was unconscious for a while because when I came to I was duct taped to a board in the luggage compartment. I squirmed around a little bit but the pressure on my belly caused me to burp a little semen and it stank so I got really violent and started thrusting with my dangling hog sword and I bust this terrible nut and it goes through my jincos, through the duct tape and blows a hole in the side of the fuselage. I was able to get out of the dinky restraints (obviously put together by some blind faggot from Carlsbad) and I rolled over to grab onto this pipe that was jutting out of the floor. I noticed my Rolex read 1:22 am. Well as this fucker depressurized, I made my way upwards and found most of the passengers unconscious or rambling incoherently. I bashed one bumbling motherfucker in the bing bang bags and he fell over crying and summarily passed out. Well, I slowly hiked up to the cockpit and found the door open. So I go in and scream "IT'S MARDIS GRAS YOU FUCKING ANIMALS!" and both pilots are slumped over the wheel, moaning. El Capitan sort of rolls his eyes around trying to look at me when I pull his dumb ass out of the seat and take control.

I love flying these big birds you know because it reminds me of Vietnam. Speaking of Vietnam, I can see we're passing overhead so I change altitude, heading and speed for just a nicker of a moment so I can get a better view of the jewel of southeast asia. Well, the communications are all going haywire and I can hear the cabin phone ringing off the hook so I decided it was time to jump ship. I crawled down the main isle like a demon dog from downtown hell, snorting and really farting it up until I found the drink cart. I had me forty little bottles of Bacardi and shit myself AGAIN before sawing a hole in one of the bathroom floors. After sawing further through more shit and shit, it must've taken me 5 hours, I finally fashioned a big enough hole to squeeze through the bottom of the aircraft. Not knowing where in the fuck I was, I could only see ocean, I let out a long and acid-filled belch and kissed Flight 370 goodbye somewhere over the South China Sea.

I landed on my ass in choppy seas near Thailand where I survived on shark and jelly fish until I commandeered a freighter headed for Moscow. I took my time with the crew, using their rectums as depositories for my phlegm. Two weeks later I'm bartending in some shithole outside Moscow and have contracted mutant genital warts and have a Raiders tattoo on my forehead. Last time I fly that fucking airline I swear to god.

One morning

Catherine de' Medici at the gates of the Louvre

Have you ever humped the brains out of a noblewoman? Neither have I. Rank cunt was no noblewoman. Perhaps the history books have recorded her in a bad light. Maybe not. Regardless, Catherine de' Medici was one bulbous bonk of a fuckwad. She used to moan like a diseased cow, shuddering when my veiny parking cone sausage broke out her two front teeth from behind. You see in those days, if you lost your teeth, there wasn't much to be done. But as Medici was a powerful hoe, no one knew the difference. I crafted her some wooden teeth from my excess tuna cheese, painted them with my horrid schlop splatter and the rest is not history. I left a steaming morsel of dungaree donut on her forehead and jerked the moldy cheese log to an old issue of Time magazine.

If you asked me today how the hell I got mixed up in all this bullshit, I couldn't pretend to tell you. Paris back then was a different place, you know? No sweet stanky inky pinky doodoo nonos littering the streets. No turkish prosts to pee into. No warm fucking baguette syrup squeegee for the sperm Tupperware. It was dangerous. I mean, every fucker seemed to be on edge and rightfully so. There was this real big wedding taking place earlier in the week and all these assholes WERE at one another's throats. The Huguenot's who were Calvinist Protestants, hated Catholics like penis on a platter in a kindergarten class. Paris was a violently anti-Huguenot city, and Parisians, who were extreme Catholics, found their presence in the city unacceptable. Even if I cornholed the king during the bachelor party...and his moist ostler faggot.

a FEW DAYS prior my fucked up tale, I took a pop shot at Coligny. Admiral Gaspard II de Coligny was the Huguenot leader. This dink couldn't hold his liquor for shit and was really annoying. Anyway he was in town for the wedding and Cathy wanted Coligny dead and I don't mean from old age. The hit was in exchange for some sweating cocaine. So I took the deal. Coligny took it like the fag that he was and I blamed it on some turgid asshole NAMED cHUCK. I had been drinking. When I took the shit, I mean shot, it was a glance shot and ricocheted off this fucking gargoyle statue and ended up severing Coligny's right index finger. I began to shout from frustration but released a sopping wet belch instead. All these idiots went scrambling around and screaming their heads off like retards in a harry potter gift shop. "Stop that man!" someone cried so I bolted from this fucking villa thing and my stupid pumpkin breeches are around my ankles so I fell on my fucking FACE. FUCK. I screamed out "JUMANJI!!" and lay waste to the crowd with a volley of skin-crawling flatulence, then I disappeared into the back alleys that snaked the city like cum from a chip and dale creamery.

Medici was pissed. Nana cooze. I called her Cathy and that pissed her off something awful. Lol. She was a real conniving cunt and loved LOVED blowing smoldering farts in the tub the would make your cheeks balloon with puke if you weren't careful. Cathy was a Medici and if you don't know the Medici's then you don't know your history. They're pretty much the Bilderberg Group. Well she's hollering and whooping up a storm and has my cravat by a claw, when I suddenly blurt out "Where's mom? Is dad at the factory?" SHe stopped shouting and furrowed her gnarly brow, then said, "Whut." To which I replied, "Where's my mother and father?" Cathy seemed intrigued. "Whut." She said again. When I sensed curiosity I darted from her weakening grasp. She was beyond startled. "Wait, where are you going?!" Bounding down the stone breezeway, shoeless, pantless and hard, I bellowed over my shoulder, "TO FIND MY PARENTS!!" I didn't go back to Cathy's sweet womb ever again after that night, but what ensued thereafter was some sexy, fucked up dogshit let me tell you.

This is the night of 23–24, August, 1572.

WOOOOO!! WOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!! I'm screaming my fucking head off, hanging from some god damned stone gutter thing about three stories in the air, pissing all over these helmeted dongles running asunder, murdering every Protestant in sight. Man I was having a good time. Smoke and blood were in the air. There was vomit, shit and guts in the streets and women and children burning alive in piles the size of my dick flanking the fair city of lights. It was my kind of party. AND ALL on the eve of the feast of St. Bartholomew. It was, after all, the Anglican Communion and I loved me some sacramental wine and giblets. So I am literally hanging from the rafters and hollering and hooting and shit and the whole fucking city is going nuts. So I decided it was time to go and find that ssstinky fishSTICK, Coligny and finish him off. Maybe deepthroat him. Well the duganberry was holed up in this little palace shack with his hurt lil finger and bum bum. The king was kind enough to offer me a legion of his swiss guard (bunch of tight wearing motherfuckers) and we headed over to Coligny's sex pad through the chaos. It was beautiful.

So we burst in through this mammoth door and I'm screaming, "WHO THE FUCK INSTALLED THIS GOD DAMN THING?? SOMEONE COULD GET HURT!" because I hurt my nono sacks on the knob because I was thrusting so hard to bang it down. Everyone was so bewildered at my craziness and there was this weird pause in the battle as they stared at me, so I just started murdering fools with my shit stained mace. Coligny was still in bed, and he was calling out to his guards to "Sieze them!" but he was also crying like a little bitch. I bounded over this frobble of a man who was in a ball, whimpering in a puddle of his own puke, and onto the bed where I sang, "I PROCLAIM THIS BED MY FUCK TOWN." Then I thrust my dagger into Coligny's breast while reciting lines from the "Air Force One" script through my teeth. Coligny squeezed his eyes in pain and his lower lip shuddered like a running lawnmower. I came. All around me there was sword play and death as the king's men took out the Huguenots in the room. A torrid leak of smelt was making its way from my ass crack and causing some real terrible smells, so I wrested the Admiral from his bloodstained bed and declared, "COLIGNY NOW BELONGS TO MY SEXUAL PLANTAIN." Then I chucked the dying man from the two story window and into the streets below where he was summarily beheaded by an angry mob of catholics. My duty was done. It was time to collect my reward. "SWEEEEEET CHEWY!!" I began to scream. The kings men had had enough of me. They cleaned off their bloodied swords and left the room shaking their heads. I hurriedly crawled from the room, whinnying like a mad horse and they quickly got out of my way.

For the next week, I spent my time in delirium, bludgeoning to death anything and everyone with my hong kong bingo pole. It was a wild haze. I tried so hard to make my way back to Cathy for my sweet sweet chewy, but I simply could not make it through all that shit. In the end, the St. Bartholomew's Day Massacre took the lives of some 5,000 protestants. All because Cathy wanted just a lil extra power so she convinced the KING to strike first before the Huggernuts attacked because I had tried to kill Coligny but I did anyway and this fucking mouse of a king was good with it so he did it even though they were friends or lovers or something. One night while I was ENOYING a poopoo platter buffet from her warty vagina, she told me in detail how she wanted to rule the world. I recall spinning violently and ripping a real horrible fart into her open piss cave. I filled her up so much that shit clouds were puffing out of her ears. We held each other into the night. Well, she thought she was holding me. Once she passed out I snuck out and shoved a dead AND ROTTING marsupial into her arms so I could get loaded at the local transvestite club. Came to about a year later missing one of my arms, neck deep in horse urine behind some food cart on the beach in St. Tropaz.