Half-life

The Chernobyl Disaster

For the longest time, I thought Chernobyl was a sparkling wine. Back in the eighties, I was running a lot of sweet sweet chewy. I had connections all over the world. Anyway, I found myself stuck in the dank tundra known as Ukraine. This place sucked. I mean it sucked major molten cock. I used to cry myself to sleep every night because I became so depressed with the food. Everything was rat burger. Rat burger and borscht. Rat burger and corn meal. Rat burger and human flesh with blanched asparagus. Rat burger pasta. Rat burger with ground goblin penis w/egg I mean the list goes on. The shit hole I lived in is called Pripyat. I lived in this cockroach infested single room toilet surrounding by about a thousand Russian dumbfucks. There was a small oil stove in the middle of the room where I would cook my rat semen ramen and occasionally prep my heroin anus blasts and then there was a period blood stained mattress. I remember it got colder than a witch’s cloven hoof. Well as you can imagine, during the winter things would slow down a bit with my sweet sweet china vagina train. Fewer and fewer cocksuckers were buying and fewer and fewer shipments were getting to me. I been through winter slumps before, but this was ridiculous. I became so bored that I found myself hitting the sleazeholes more often, selling to the assholes in body suits made of arctic fox, you know, the kind of people who have chauffeurs that carry AK-47s. A lot of these cunt caves were filthy - as in there was slime on the fucking walls and floors and when you’d walk around you would slip and slide all over the place and I’d be like “OH SHIT!” and I would usually slide right into some fuckin’ group of people and knock over their vodkas and they would all cry so I would just jump on the table and whip out my man hose and shake it like a sprinkler filled with baby squirm and they would all shriek and the bar keep would throw me out by the collar and I would lay on the freezing cold sidewalk trying to roll a cigarette when two fucking politsiyas would roll up on me saying they had a complaint and I would just wrestle them to the ground and tickle them until THEY PISSED THEMSELVES AT WHICH POINT I WOULD BRUTALLY RAPE THEM WITH THEIR BATONS.

ANYway, I got real bored. So eventually, I would get yanked off on vodka and stumble around the streets at night. There was this big ass power plant down the road a few miles. I liked to fuck around in there after hours. It was a helluva lot warmer in there than inside my god damn stove toilet at full fuckin turbo blast in SUMMERTIME. So it’s a Friday night. Well technically it’s a Saturday morning. I’m walking up the dinky trail to the gate I usually hop over and there’s this prick with a plastic flashlight shining the fucker in my face. He’s all “Что вы здесь делаете? Что вы здесь делаете??! Well I’m fucking trashed. I mean I am TRASHED. I don’t do well with vodka, I really don’t. It comes out of me as white diarrhea, I belch out my undigested food, and I generally murder without reason. I know I’m at least twelve bottles of LIFE WATER deep so I am feeling it. I look up at this skinny little cocksucker and in my best Sammy Davis Jr voice say, "Listen man, you seem like a coool cat! But I can't undastan a fukkin thang yous sayin!" Just then I almost spew all over him but hold it back with the tip of my pinkie like it's a cork in a punctured dog anal sac. He stares at me, his eyes widening in anger. “Вы здесь не разрешены! Вы должны идти!” He shouts at me, waving his little dink light and pushing me away from the fence. Well, him pushing me was not his smartest idea. The putrid gak in my mouth explodes. I let loose the juice and it flowed like a fire-hose. The butt-tard cried out as if he’d been sprayed with sulphuric acid and he fell on his ass. He kept dabbing his eyes and pulling his hands away to look at as if he assumed they would be melting. I pulled myself together after blowing out an ass spray that killed a small shrub at my rear, then I leaned in real close to this asshole on the ground and I whispered to him, “I can’t understand what the fuck you’re saying, you commie bastard.” I loved doing cold shit like that. Then I pulled a little pen knife I used to hide between my balls and I buried it in his throat. He made this awful gargling noise as his jugular opened up and spilt fresh shit all over me. I wriggled the blade around with effort, opening up his neck and he eventually closed his eyes as if falling asleep. I vomited on him, again, and kinda flopped down there next to him like a fool. I pocketed the knife and pulled out a vodka reload. I always had a nitroglycerin tablet under my tongue just in case you know and I accidentally swallowed it on that first gulp. Ugh I still remember that gulp, it burned like I was downing rancid Hindi piss. Well seeing as how I occasionally moonlight as a necrophilic cocksucker, I took advantage of the bloodied corpse, tearing open his britches with my teeth and gobbling down on his hob knob until I passed out from all the blood rushing to my head during my frenzy. After napping for about forty five minutes, I awoke with a nasty headache and the sky was barely starting to turn pink. Luckily I’d pulled the rentacop’s body off into the woods before devouring his cank stick, so the passing vehicles heading into the plant didn’t spot what I’d done. I kinda sat there for a minute, slouched against a tree, rubbing my eyes. When I came out of it, I realized I was still pretty drunk and decided I’d hop the fence and poke around anyway. I dressed myself in the rentacop’s uniform, even though it smelled like piss and shit and had blood and vomit all over it, then I made my way toward the gate. I wrested the bag of bath salts from my anus and smoked the entire bag before vomiting like one of those assholes in 28 days later. This is April 26th, 1986.

I scaled the fence at breakneck speed, tearing my scrotum on the high barbed wire, but I barely noticed because I was knee deep in a three day pcp binge. Once over the fence, I pretended to be a monkey for about a half an hour, running around in circles, hooting and throwing my arms around. A couple of lab shits stopped to stare at me, so I unleashed the wonka bat and charged them screaming “TROTSKY’S ICEPICK IS IN MY ASS! TROTSKY’S ICEPICK IS IN MY ASS!” and they scurried away like rodents. I chased them into this huge building and lost them near this panel of blinking lights the size of my apartment. I was so out of breath I collapsed on this godamm panel, striking my head on this row of switches and knobs. I began banging my face against the control board over and over again, much to the chagrin of the nearby security personnel, who'd surrounded me with batons. They looked as if they were watching an alien spilling out of a horse bladder. I screamed to the heavens like a wolf and banged my face again, this time inadvertently initiating a systems test on reactor four. Well Immediately I hear this incredibly annoying wailing noise coming from overhead. I threw my hands over my ears and screamed at the top of my lungs “SHUT THAT SHIT OFF! SHUT IT OFF! SHUT SHUT SHUT SHUT THAT SHIT OFF!!!!” Well all these little douche bags in white are scrambling around me and yelling at me. Some rinkadink motherfucker grabbed me from behind and started dragging me out of the control room and into the parking lot. I turned on him and bit a hunk of flesh from his arm, screaming so loud my voice was cracking. I spit the hunk of flesh into his face and hollered, "TASTE IT, MOTHERFUCKER!" Just then I heard this enormous BOOM and all these little bits of what looked like large ass pencil lead start landing all over the place. I threw this asshole off of my back and began picking up these smoldering pieces of graphite and shouted “LET’S DRAW, YOU DIP SHITS!!” and I started drawing rudimentary sketches of my penis on the wall of this building. Well everyone was dressed in these retard suits and they were just staring at me so I screamed "LOOK AT ALL THIS PENCIL LEAD YOU IDIOTS! LET US DRAW LIKE CHILDREN OF THE NIGHT! OOOGA OOOOOOGA!" and I jumped atop a car and began air humping for at least ten minutes until I was again grabbed from behind by some low life dip shit. I started screaming like I was an epileptic having a fucking meltdown. I was finally tackled by like seven of these retards and shoved into the back of this van. We go speeding off up over this little knoll and through the gate I hopped and I yelled at them to tell me what’s happening when this other enormous BOOM goes off behind us. The entire van rattles and the back windshield blows out. “C’mon guys get the fuck off of me! It’s after lunchtime and I feel like shit!” They just looked at me like confused mice and kept driving. Well about thirty minutes later we were in some shit hole called Belarus and I was shoved into some hospital. My hands were melted off and my dick was ballooning to the size of a small sperm whale. I didn’t care though because I all of a sudden had super human strength and began raping all the nurses with my melting nubs. Three weeks later, I’d been evacuated to Kiev and all my hair had fallen out. I looked like a naked mole rat on steroids and I’d grown three feet and my dick was now the size of a small sedan.

Using my new physique and power, I prowled around at night, terrorized the elderly and children. I loved to hide under cars and hiss at passerbys or rip horrendous farts into office building air conditioning units and when they would come pouring out I would beat them down and feed on their genitals. For weeks I did this. I became known in the papers as “Монстр Крыса Киева” or “The Monster Rat of Kiev.” After a while of that bullshit I became fed up with sleeping in toilets and with being nude in cold weather all the time so I moved to Cleveland and went to work for a ma and pa laundry near the river.

El Milagro de los Andes

1972 Andes flight disaster.

(Translated from Spanish)

HOLA AMIGOS!! Oh jesus, I'm just kidding you fucktards. The day my mountaineering experience from the devil’s anus commenced was a long time ago. To this day, I still have no idea how I awoke on that fucking plastic piece of shit aircraft. Uruquayan AirForce Flight 571. I’ll never forget the fucking thing. Real pile of melting shit. I remember poking around the Fairchild FH-227D the night before in a drunken free for all, where I’d run out of booze coin and had hopped an airfield perimeter fence in search of copper wire to pillage and sell. This is Friday the 13th, October 1972. 

I think I pissed myself, because the smell from my crotch was unbearable and it was sorta gummy/yellowish. Well I must’ve bashed my head on a fuckin’ propeller or some shit because next thing I know, the tute that I’d picked up in Montevideo (that turned out to be a man and I found THAT out when I realized I was gnoshing on a crooked pecker in an alley behind a McDonald’s) was nowhere to be found, my wallet was missing, my crotch was discolored and stinking and I’m crammed into this shitty seat next to this greased dink yammering in my ear about how easy the rugby ball is to shove into a human rectum. I sat there for a good spell, confused as all fuck, my eyes squinting in disarray, turning my head this way and that, searching for answers. Well my eyes fall on this dumb corky sucker next to me and I cut him off. “The fuck are you muttering about, rat boy?!" He stopped speaking immediately, a look of confusion washing over his face. "Can’t you see I’ve gota little situation here?” (pointing to my dank zip zip) “I mean JESUS, why the fuck are you even talking to me?! Do I know you?? Asshole.” He looked sad and lowered his head. “Fuck!” I shouted then unnecessarily tipped over a small glass of red wine he had perched on his knee over into his penile region. He started a bit saying "Momma!" and I shoved him back down, my hand on his shoulder using him like a crutch so I could vault over him and into the aisle. I ass belched right in his face totally on accident but played it off as purposeful by turning and getting right in his face saying “That was a little present for you. Maybe you can sit here in my ass gas and decide whether or not you want to continue chat vomiting all over me whenever it is I come back?” Moron. Phew that fart stank. 

So I start down the aisle and this steward is in my way with a god damned little cart thing. “Sir!” He says. “Sir, please sit down and fasten your seatbelt! I’m serving drinks!” Well I had to take a massive piss and this moustached crack smell wasn’t going to stand in my way. So without words, I shoved hard on the cart and it rammed him good and hard in his bean bags. His eyes widened into small moons and he exhaled all the air in his lungs before crumpling to the floor in agony and tears. I threw the cart into a side seat and onto two women who complained loudly. Others were turning in their seats to stare. I found a camera lying on a seat nearby and shouted “SAY CHEESE YOU NUMBBUTS!” then snapped a shot. That seemed to put them at ease, the fucks. I threw the instamatic on the floor and found the shitter. Wow, I overflowed that toy toilet. My urine hose was on overkill. And when the pee began to spill over the sides, I peed in the sink and when the sink began to overflow I peed in the trash bin. After using seven rolls of TP to help soak up the rest, I was finally done. I wiped off my lips and kicked open the door. The steward was still lying there. He shrieked and covered his nono bouncies. I kicked him in the sperm jars just to be mean and he screamed like a woman begin stabbed in the vagina, then passed out. At that point in time I happened to look out one of the little windows and saw snow covered peaks. “What. The. Fuck.” I said. I had to figure out where the hell I was being taken. Some renob was tossing a ball in the aisle and it hit me in the shoulder. He said “Hey man pass it back!” I pushed him into a seat with my throbbing member and shoved the ball in his pants before whispering real close in his hear “I hear these fit quite well in the human anus if greased properly.” Then I drooled a little and kept on moving. I heard whimpering behind me. 

Well the cockpit was divided from the fuselage by a dinky little shower curtain. I pulled it aside so violently that part of it ripped. “DON’T MAKE EM LIKE THEY USED TO, HUH BOYS?!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. The two pilots spun their head toward me and looked in horror as I produced my killing pole and began whipping them in the faces. Little bits of preejaculate spraying the instruments as I chanted “Where are you taking me where are you taking me where are you taking me!” They were flailing about, shouting at me to get out. I starting jumping on their laps, the long pole and horse beans fully exposed now, bouncing around, my hairy, leaking ass all over the instrument panel, leaving crimson yellow smears from top to bottom. I’m fairly certain one of the pilots was crying. Well that’s when the shit hit the mountains, literally. “Look out!” one of the pilots shouted. I turned and looked and just then the glorious Glaciar de las Lágrimas (it wasn't called that yet) was staring me right in the face. “HOLY SHIT YOU HACKS!” I managed, before the peak severed the right wing like scissors through paper. The force from the impact knocked me on my huff pads and I kinda laid there rolling around like a retard for a minute or two. I heard people screaming everywhere. I just kept yelling “SHUT UP! SHUT UP!! I HAVE A HANGOVER!!” but no one was listening. Just then a huge smashing noise rattled me again and a huge piece of metal sheared through the side of the air craft. I was thrown to the back of the plane and was able to grab onto the long hair of this stench-encased mane and held on for dear life. The tail was ripped off, leaving a gaping hole in the rear of the plane. Several ram rods were ejected into the freezing cold day. I was laughing my ass off because I was thinking about how I convinced a small child to eat sections of a dead clown penis a few weeks earlier, explaining to him that they were just bits of turd. Well after what seemed like years, we hit the snow and slid like a fucking bob sled all the way down this big ass slope. I’m able to stand at this point, still clutching the tussle of hair in my hands like reigns and I’m shoutin’ “YEEEEEEHAW MOTHAFUCKAS!” and one little bitch cried at me “Please! We are all going to die! Show some dignity!” and I bitch slapped him. "SHUT YOUR SHIT YOU PECK!" Just then we hit a snow bank and I went flying through the air and into a fucking wall. 

I must’ve passed out for a good half hour because when I came to my pants were unbuttoned and blood was dribbling out of my mouth. All around me were sounds of relaxing metal and hissing and crying. I was able to stand again, this time not so well. My leg was broken in twelve places. I pulled together a rudimentary splint and got the hell out of there. Once out of the smoking shit heap, I found my cigarettes and starting puffing away. Some disfigured fuck waddled up to me and asked for one. I flicked one as far into the snow as I could and flipped him off. He lowered his head and trudged off after it. "Meany!" he said under his breath. I grabbed him by the collar and said "The fuck you just say you little weasel penis?!" He lowered his head again and said very quietly, "Nothing." "YOU'RE GOD DAMN RIGHT, 'NOTHING!'" then I shoved him into the snow and he crawled away. I was fucking pissed. I mean I woke up on a fucking plane in the middle of nowhere and now it’s two blind pilots have crashed us into god knows where and my leg looks like a piece of shit that’s been run over by a van. Luckily I had four bottles of rum shoved into my pants that I’d stolen from the cockpit while on my tirade. I sat there in silence until dark and finished all four bottles then passed out there in the snow. Well I woke up more frozen than a frozen penis in a meat locker inside of another freezer. “FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUCK!” I screamed. Oh, everything hurt. Some guy came up to me and was all “WHO ARE YOU?! You’re not one of our team!” I swatted him in the foogoos with my leg, shooting excruciating pain through my entire body. The two of us screamed in pain and he fell to his knees. Through heavy breaths and another lit cigarette, I yelled at him “I DIDN’T REALIZE THERE WERE TEAMS, YOU FAG!” and he slithered away whimpering. “Oh jesus!” I said and rolled over. "Sweet Jesus Christ! Oh my GOD it hurts!" I eventually made my way to the trashed wreckage and crawled inside. Everyone was huddled in there like douche bags in tin foil. They were looking at me as if my head had split open and baby penises were crawling out. I lunged at them like a mad man but stopped short just to scare them. They jumped like children on pogo sticks over raging hot flames. I laughed until I peed my already soaked britches and called them all pussies. Someone cried out “who are you?” I shouted, “Stop fucking asking me that, you dick weeds!” and I pulled off my pants exposing my boil-encrusted ass and balls. There was a unanimous gasp throughout the fuselage and someone barfed. Again I said “pussies” and pulled the pants off of a sleeping kid, I dunno maybe he was dead. Someone grabbed at me and said “Leave him alone! He never did nothing to nobody!” I backhanded him and told him to get ahold of himself. Before I could finish speaking I accidentally rum puked right into his face and mouth. “MARY MOTHER OF GOD!” he squealed, muffled a little by the vomit and scurried away like a rat. I ransacked everything, took some warmer jackets and pants, found some chocolate and some other assorted snacks, grabbed a pack and filled it with about 25 bottles of wine I found lying about. One guy tried to stop me, shouting “You fool! You cannot survive in the mountains! You are taking all we have! We must ration our supplies!” I shoved him to the ground and violently raped him in front of the screaming, horrified others. I bashed him in the head with a toy stick I found in the snow until he went unconscious and then I blew my load into his ear. A woman screamed. After satisfying my carnal lust from hell, I stood and addressed the shit faces. “Look,” I said. “I’m leaving. Any of you motherfuckers follow me? I’ll blow your god damn heads off” (I’d taken a pistol I found in the pilot’s bag.) Some little poo ass pipes up and says “What will we eat? You’ve taken it all!” I could only smile. I pointed at the dead pilot and said “Bon apetit ya sick fucks” and made my way out into the vast Andes Mountains. 

I never heard from those assholes again, nor did I ever find out what happened to them. Bunch a weak fucks who kidnapped me and were perhaps forcing me into prostitution in Chile or some shit. That's what I think. Nonetheless, I drunkenly limped for five days before finally encountering some butt hole on a donkey. I hit him in the head with a rock from 300 yards, knocking him out instantly. I then stole his ass and made for town. After three years in an impoverished shit hole called Los Maitenes where I was fed enormous amounts of booze and sex daily, I finally healed. I changed my name briefly to “Rojulio the Serpent Snatcher” a name I’d picked up in town for cutting off peckers with my overgrown toenails. It would be some time before I made my way in Argentina and lived there happily for some time prostituting children and animals to wealthy servicemen.

Abe's Brains.

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