1972 Andes flight disaster.
(Translated from Spanish)
HOLA AMIGOS!! Oh jesus, I'm just kidding you fucktards. The day my mountaineering experience from the devil’s anus commenced was a long time ago. To this day, I still have no idea how I awoke on that fucking plastic piece of shit aircraft. Uruquayan AirForce Flight 571. I’ll never forget the fucking thing. Real pile of melting shit. I remember poking around the Fairchild FH-227D the night before in a drunken free for all, where I’d run out of booze coin and had hopped an airfield perimeter fence in search of copper wire to pillage and sell. This is Friday the 13th, October 1972.
I think I pissed myself, because the smell from my crotch was unbearable and it was sorta gummy/yellowish. Well I must’ve bashed my head on a fuckin’ propeller or some shit because next thing I know, the tute that I’d picked up in Montevideo (that turned out to be a man and I found THAT out when I realized I was gnoshing on a crooked pecker in an alley behind a McDonald’s) was nowhere to be found, my wallet was missing, my crotch was discolored and stinking and I’m crammed into this shitty seat next to this greased dink yammering in my ear about how easy the rugby ball is to shove into a human rectum. I sat there for a good spell, confused as all fuck, my eyes squinting in disarray, turning my head this way and that, searching for answers. Well my eyes fall on this dumb corky sucker next to me and I cut him off. “The fuck are you muttering about, rat boy?!" He stopped speaking immediately, a look of confusion washing over his face. "Can’t you see I’ve gota little situation here?” (pointing to my dank zip zip) “I mean JESUS, why the fuck are you even talking to me?! Do I know you?? Asshole.” He looked sad and lowered his head. “Fuck!” I shouted then unnecessarily tipped over a small glass of red wine he had perched on his knee over into his penile region. He started a bit saying "Momma!" and I shoved him back down, my hand on his shoulder using him like a crutch so I could vault over him and into the aisle. I ass belched right in his face totally on accident but played it off as purposeful by turning and getting right in his face saying “That was a little present for you. Maybe you can sit here in my ass gas and decide whether or not you want to continue chat vomiting all over me whenever it is I come back?” Moron. Phew that fart stank.
So I start down the aisle and this steward is in my way with a god damned little cart thing. “Sir!” He says. “Sir, please sit down and fasten your seatbelt! I’m serving drinks!” Well I had to take a massive piss and this moustached crack smell wasn’t going to stand in my way. So without words, I shoved hard on the cart and it rammed him good and hard in his bean bags. His eyes widened into small moons and he exhaled all the air in his lungs before crumpling to the floor in agony and tears. I threw the cart into a side seat and onto two women who complained loudly. Others were turning in their seats to stare. I found a camera lying on a seat nearby and shouted “SAY CHEESE YOU NUMBBUTS!” then snapped a shot. That seemed to put them at ease, the fucks. I threw the instamatic on the floor and found the shitter. Wow, I overflowed that toy toilet. My urine hose was on overkill. And when the pee began to spill over the sides, I peed in the sink and when the sink began to overflow I peed in the trash bin. After using seven rolls of TP to help soak up the rest, I was finally done. I wiped off my lips and kicked open the door. The steward was still lying there. He shrieked and covered his nono bouncies. I kicked him in the sperm jars just to be mean and he screamed like a woman begin stabbed in the vagina, then passed out. At that point in time I happened to look out one of the little windows and saw snow covered peaks. “What. The. Fuck.” I said. I had to figure out where the hell I was being taken. Some renob was tossing a ball in the aisle and it hit me in the shoulder. He said “Hey man pass it back!” I pushed him into a seat with my throbbing member and shoved the ball in his pants before whispering real close in his hear “I hear these fit quite well in the human anus if greased properly.” Then I drooled a little and kept on moving. I heard whimpering behind me.
Well the cockpit was divided from the fuselage by a dinky little shower curtain. I pulled it aside so violently that part of it ripped. “DON’T MAKE EM LIKE THEY USED TO, HUH BOYS?!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. The two pilots spun their head toward me and looked in horror as I produced my killing pole and began whipping them in the faces. Little bits of preejaculate spraying the instruments as I chanted “Where are you taking me where are you taking me where are you taking me!” They were flailing about, shouting at me to get out. I starting jumping on their laps, the long pole and horse beans fully exposed now, bouncing around, my hairy, leaking ass all over the instrument panel, leaving crimson yellow smears from top to bottom. I’m fairly certain one of the pilots was crying. Well that’s when the shit hit the mountains, literally. “Look out!” one of the pilots shouted. I turned and looked and just then the glorious Glaciar de las Lágrimas (it wasn't called that yet) was staring me right in the face. “HOLY SHIT YOU HACKS!” I managed, before the peak severed the right wing like scissors through paper. The force from the impact knocked me on my huff pads and I kinda laid there rolling around like a retard for a minute or two. I heard people screaming everywhere. I just kept yelling “SHUT UP! SHUT UP!! I HAVE A HANGOVER!!” but no one was listening. Just then a huge smashing noise rattled me again and a huge piece of metal sheared through the side of the air craft. I was thrown to the back of the plane and was able to grab onto the long hair of this stench-encased mane and held on for dear life. The tail was ripped off, leaving a gaping hole in the rear of the plane. Several ram rods were ejected into the freezing cold day. I was laughing my ass off because I was thinking about how I convinced a small child to eat sections of a dead clown penis a few weeks earlier, explaining to him that they were just bits of turd. Well after what seemed like years, we hit the snow and slid like a fucking bob sled all the way down this big ass slope. I’m able to stand at this point, still clutching the tussle of hair in my hands like reigns and I’m shoutin’ “YEEEEEEHAW MOTHAFUCKAS!” and one little bitch cried at me “Please! We are all going to die! Show some dignity!” and I bitch slapped him. "SHUT YOUR SHIT YOU PECK!" Just then we hit a snow bank and I went flying through the air and into a fucking wall.
I must’ve passed out for a good half hour because when I came to my pants were unbuttoned and blood was dribbling out of my mouth. All around me were sounds of relaxing metal and hissing and crying. I was able to stand again, this time not so well. My leg was broken in twelve places. I pulled together a rudimentary splint and got the hell out of there. Once out of the smoking shit heap, I found my cigarettes and starting puffing away. Some disfigured fuck waddled up to me and asked for one. I flicked one as far into the snow as I could and flipped him off. He lowered his head and trudged off after it. "Meany!" he said under his breath. I grabbed him by the collar and said "The fuck you just say you little weasel penis?!" He lowered his head again and said very quietly, "Nothing." "YOU'RE GOD DAMN RIGHT, 'NOTHING!'" then I shoved him into the snow and he crawled away. I was fucking pissed. I mean I woke up on a fucking plane in the middle of nowhere and now it’s two blind pilots have crashed us into god knows where and my leg looks like a piece of shit that’s been run over by a van. Luckily I had four bottles of rum shoved into my pants that I’d stolen from the cockpit while on my tirade. I sat there in silence until dark and finished all four bottles then passed out there in the snow. Well I woke up more frozen than a frozen penis in a meat locker inside of another freezer. “FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUCK!” I screamed. Oh, everything hurt. Some guy came up to me and was all “WHO ARE YOU?! You’re not one of our team!” I swatted him in the foogoos with my leg, shooting excruciating pain through my entire body. The two of us screamed in pain and he fell to his knees. Through heavy breaths and another lit cigarette, I yelled at him “I DIDN’T REALIZE THERE WERE TEAMS, YOU FAG!” and he slithered away whimpering. “Oh jesus!” I said and rolled over. "Sweet Jesus Christ! Oh my GOD it hurts!" I eventually made my way to the trashed wreckage and crawled inside. Everyone was huddled in there like douche bags in tin foil. They were looking at me as if my head had split open and baby penises were crawling out. I lunged at them like a mad man but stopped short just to scare them. They jumped like children on pogo sticks over raging hot flames. I laughed until I peed my already soaked britches and called them all pussies. Someone cried out “who are you?” I shouted, “Stop fucking asking me that, you dick weeds!” and I pulled off my pants exposing my boil-encrusted ass and balls. There was a unanimous gasp throughout the fuselage and someone barfed. Again I said “pussies” and pulled the pants off of a sleeping kid, I dunno maybe he was dead. Someone grabbed at me and said “Leave him alone! He never did nothing to nobody!” I backhanded him and told him to get ahold of himself. Before I could finish speaking I accidentally rum puked right into his face and mouth. “MARY MOTHER OF GOD!” he squealed, muffled a little by the vomit and scurried away like a rat. I ransacked everything, took some warmer jackets and pants, found some chocolate and some other assorted snacks, grabbed a pack and filled it with about 25 bottles of wine I found lying about. One guy tried to stop me, shouting “You fool! You cannot survive in the mountains! You are taking all we have! We must ration our supplies!” I shoved him to the ground and violently raped him in front of the screaming, horrified others. I bashed him in the head with a toy stick I found in the snow until he went unconscious and then I blew my load into his ear. A woman screamed. After satisfying my carnal lust from hell, I stood and addressed the shit faces. “Look,” I said. “I’m leaving. Any of you motherfuckers follow me? I’ll blow your god damn heads off” (I’d taken a pistol I found in the pilot’s bag.) Some little poo ass pipes up and says “What will we eat? You’ve taken it all!” I could only smile. I pointed at the dead pilot and said “Bon apetit ya sick fucks” and made my way out into the vast Andes Mountains.
I never heard from those assholes again, nor did I ever find out what happened to them. Bunch a weak fucks who kidnapped me and were perhaps forcing me into prostitution in Chile or some shit. That's what I think. Nonetheless, I drunkenly limped for five days before finally encountering some butt hole on a donkey. I hit him in the head with a rock from 300 yards, knocking him out instantly. I then stole his ass and made for town. After three years in an impoverished shit hole called Los Maitenes where I was fed enormous amounts of booze and sex daily, I finally healed. I changed my name briefly to “Rojulio the Serpent Snatcher” a name I’d picked up in town for cutting off peckers with my overgrown toenails. It would be some time before I made my way in Argentina and lived there happily for some time prostituting children and animals to wealthy servicemen.