In 1997 I got really into Max Headroom. I mean it was embarrassing. The dude's days were long gone and yet here I was, living out of a moving box off 93 near Big Arm, Montana, leaking naughty fluids from my bloated pfeffer hose and eating potted meat from a dead man's shoe, contemplating major reconstructive surgery. I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted to be Max Headroom. I had made drawings of the procedure, so I was pretty fucking clear on what needed to be done. I was going to have my forehead raised, hairline trimmed back, chin chiseled and cut square, wider, thinner lips, beady eyes, and blond hair plugs up the ass. I also was pretty square on having sunglasses grafted to my face using black people skin. Oh yeah, I was gonna be a keeper. So I stole a car and made my way to Missoula. I called ahead and set an appointment at the Montana Plastic Surgery Center. Oh mama I was SO FUCKING PUMPED I could barely keep the car on the road. Not to mention I'd been drinking, heavily. I was on my twelfth bottle of brute and I needed money.I stopped in Polson around noon and held up a Texaco with a little .38 I kept buried in my nono huh uh area. I murdered two people in the parking lot because I felt like it. A little over an hour later I pulled up to the clinic. I shit my pants and cried in the lobby for a good twenty minutes before gathering the nerve to approach the short, frock of a woman slumped over behind the counter. Her eyes were going in two different directions and her mouth was hanging open like a wet hole in the earth. I snapped my fingers and said, "hey retard, you in there?" She blinked furiously and farted. "You want doctor, father?" Doctor father? I giggled like a psycho and backhanded her. "Yes get me one of your fucking quacks out here before I shit myself again." She crawled out of the room, blubbering and crying.
I sat back down in the waiting room and shit myself anyway. My god it stank. A small man sitting nearby gagged, then covered his mouth with the back of his wrist and muttered, "Good grief!" before scampering off into a hole in the wall. Another man, across from me, was staring at me like I had four heads and dick growing out of my face. I said "why don't you take a picture, you fucking faggot" and I dug out a real nasty booger and flicked it at him. It landed right in his agape mouth and he shrieked like a woman and got up and ran away right into a wall and knocked himself out cold. After about an hour of waiting, this short, shriveled dick weed comes sauntering out and says, "Mr. Blags? Mr. Blags?" I leaped out of my chair and landed directly on his head. He fell to his knees and emitted a quirky little scream. "THAT'S MEEEE!!" I belted out, released a horrid spray of hot gas that left a permanent stain on the lobby wall. The man rolled to his side, holding his golf balls and whimpering lightly. "Oh my god," he whispered. I beat him about the face with my goulash pipe until he screamed at me to stop. So I did. He asked me to follow him to see the doctor so down the hall we went, him limping and still holding his goobers. The whole way down the hall I kept slapping him in the back of the head with a small stick I'd found outside. He kept his head lowered and squeaked a little "owie" every time I rapped him on the noggin.
So I get into the little room and I take a piss in all of the cabinets and drawers and the piss smells like coffee or rotting meat or both and I throw up just a little and I slipped on the burp up and hit my fucking head one of the open drawers. I sit there on the floor in the puke and my head is bleeding like a god damned stuck pig when in walks the doctor. He stands there completely taken aback. His eyes are wide and his mouth is hanging open and he's just frozen and very confused. I say "SEX IN A TUB? THAT DOESN'T WORK!" and I rip another horrid fart, but this time a little slice of turd spills out and it smells so bad the doctor vomits and it goes all over my face and someone down the hall shouts, "hey keep it down out there!" and I grab the doctor and I say listen you fucking yes man, towing the company line, you make me look like Max Headroom or I'll fucking tear your head off and shit down your neck hole." I said this last part so quietly the doctor had to lean in to hear me. When he did hear me, he jerked back and said, "Oh well I uh...hehe...ok, what did you uh, have in mind, sir?" As he said this he wiped some vomit from his mouth and began writing something illegible on a little clipboard he pulled out of his pants. So I laid it out for him. I talked and he wrote it all down, nodding here and there and saying "oh, oh wow" once or twice. Then I said, "And finally, I am pretty square on having sunglasses grafted to my face using black people skin."
The doctor stopped writing and looked up at me from his notes. "Oh, oh wow" he said and I grinned like a maniac. He said, "Ok Mr. Blags, I think we have everything we need to get going on this here, uh procedure." "Yeah find whatever you piece of shit" and I waved him away. He stood awkwardly and thanked me for some reason then waddled out of the room. I sat there in the same place where I'd slipped and fallen and I was weeping softly because I had a hemorrhoid hanging out of my crack like a god damned anal labia. All of a sudden these two jacked up police officers bash in through the door with their guns drawn and they're screaming at me to get on the ground get on the ground. I'm nursing my head and I said "You bobble-headed retards I'm already on the floor" and I burped another anal belch and they both filled their cheeks with air and their eyes bulged in their heads and they scurried from the room gagging and burping. One of them said "Mother of god" and I'm pretty sure he was puking at that point. I yowled like a stepped on cat and jumped out the fucking window and went scampering down the street like a fucked up retard. People on the street were shocked.
I headed out of Missoula and made my way east where I hitchhiked with a small family from Boise headed to Maine. I killed them with my anal blasts on accident one brisk morning and left their bodies to rot outside of North Dakota. I drove their minivan until it ran out of gas somewhere near Minneapolis. Fucking fags. Max fucking Headroom man. Max fucking Headroom. I need to wipe.
