Ass-ass-inated

The Assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand

I was marauding in Sarajevo a while back. A real shit show. I woke up in the wash basin of this real lush fuckhaven of a hostel. I paid rat turds for the room, but the view was perfect for a troll of my precedence. I had a dazzling view of this canal and a shit-bridge below. I loved it. I used to knock on the door next to my room and stand on a stool and when someone would look through the peep hole I’d piss through it, usually after consuming at least fourteen pitchers of fine ale. This old man, probably in his nineties, would always shuffle out and whine “Who is dat dat keeps smushing in me peep hole! I’ve gone blind!” and I would just laugh at him and tell him he was crazy. I would also constantly bombard the sniveling florist three floors down with my piss and shit. SEVERAL times, the anus would march up the stairs, bang on my door and demand that I stop throwing waste onto his little ass-hut. It was great, because I would always answer the door in a different disguise and pretend he had the wrong door. Once, I opened up and showed nothing but my bare ass. He exclaimed, “OH MY!” and I burped ass semen right into his god damn gaping hole. That sent him stumbling away in involuntary vomit spasms. I spun around and screamed at him “VIVA LA REVOLUCION!” and hurriedly ran to the window to empty my piss pan right onto his fucking head as he came running from the lobby entrance and into the street. He squealed like a child and flapped his arms like a chicken before he stumbled into traffic and was ultimately squashed by a giant fucking dairy truck. Some asshole points up to me and starts screaming that I did it, I did it. I just flipped him off and threw a used condom at him. It plopped right on his face and he ran away crying. ANYway, I pulled on my striped rainbow balloon pants and matching suspenders, loaded my  Fabrique Nationale and stumbled into the day. This is June 28th, 1914.

First order of business was to rip off the ma and pa market I ripped off every day - the two ass blobs were just too damned stupid to do anything about it. I usually ham horned their luscious 17 old son, Smokey, and finished it off in the frozen crab curds. On my way out this real pudgy bastard with a toy badge stops me with a stern forefinger to the chest. Before he can say anything I look at him from under my brow and said “You Eastern European scum licker…you have three seconds to take your anus cleaning twig from my sweat chamber and put it back inside your crom hole, or I’m going to break it off and suck on it until it’s just tit bone.” He stood there looking at me, dumbfounded. I counted to three and punted him in the sperm hose. He didn’t move for what seemed like forever so I pulled my little plastic knife and stabbed him in the genitals multiple multiple times, screaming like a banshee before he finally collapsed with a whinny. I couldn’t help vomiting the nutella and egg omelette Enrico made for me that morning at three am between coke bursts. It splattered all over the keeled over cop like a fountain of putrid death. After I caught my breath I jumped atop a toasted walnut vendor and shouted “THE SKY IS FALLING THE SKY IS FALLING!” whilst whipping the poor bastard on the balls with my suspenders. He was screaming and crying so eventually I led him into an alleyway and bludgeoned him to death in front of several horrified pedestrians, with a small statue I wrested from a jewelry shop. A little peon of a turd smear approached me and told me I was a “dishonorable man” and that I should be punished. I belched into his face, spilling a bit of last night’s borscht on to my lapel before howling into his face “THIS WEATHER CAN SUCK MY DICK!” The little man fell to his bum and I emptied my pockets all over him – some loose change, a condom, a whole shit load of mike and ikes, a few tampons, a cork and two catheters. He just lay there, shivering and muttering something about god and country. I knocked him out with my clown boot and rubbed against him for what seemed like hours on end until I was so raw and bloody time stood still. Damnit I was having a real shit morning.

Well I realize I was on a real rampage. Acting like king shit and dancing all over the fucking place, screaming the lyrics to “Sweet Dreams (are made of these)” the Marilyn Manson version of course, of course. WHAT OTHER FUCKING VERSION WOULD I BE SINGING?! So I stop in at this veiny dick of a delicatessen that I used to steal beer from, Schiller’s I think it was called. I only remember this because I used to crawl to old man Schiller’s apartment behind the deli and feign illness like every fucking night. I’d rap on the door crying out “OH LOOORDY MY LOINS OOOH LOOOOOORDY!” and when he and his dumb-ass son would answer I’d force my way in at gun point, rape them BITCHES with a greased tennis racket while screaming: “MONICA SELES DESERVES REVENGE!” The two tards would just moan like morons then I would rob them blind.

Anyway, the second I walk in, old man Schiller is freaking out screaming at me to get out and I'm not welcome anymore and all this shit. I bashed him over the head with a salami until he passed out in his own barf. I then made myself a mile high on rye and went to town. There’s this real skinny motherFUCKER nibbling away at a dink bagel and he’s staring at me. I mean the gang booby is STARING at me. I took a massive RAMBO bite of my cram log and threw it on the floor. “WHY DON’T YOU TAKE AN INSTAGRAM, YOU LOW-LEVELED PENIS TRAP!” He immediately lowered his eyes, but that wasn’t good enough for me. So I pulled my pistol and forced him into the shitter where I gagged him with lsd and bath salts. Then I shoved the loaded gun into his crotch and slapped him on the ass like a horse. I really loath when others stare. Well the weirdo goes whinnying out the front door, trotting like a stallion and flubbering razzzzberries. I laughed at him and clapped my hands, but the asshole ran right into traffic. “Aw SHIT I’ve killed the dumb retard!” I said aloud and jogged after him. I stole some mumbloid’s cigarette and sucked it down as I chased the poon onto Franz Joseph street.

Just then this real nice piece of shit car comes idling along and it looks like the driver is getting road head because the vehicle almost runs this ass-rat over. My protégé in turn pulls the pistol I shoved into his wank cave and starts shootin’ away into the car! POP! POP! I hear the bullets whiz about and there are these two distinct 'smacks' as they find their targets. “Holy fuck!” I shouted as I spit out the midget pene I was gobbling on. Everyone is screaming and shouting and I’m pissed because I’m definitely going to lose my gun now! I was just trying to have a little fun with the dainty fuck! Well he goes running off and I’m wrought with grief for the dumb shits in the car so I run over and there are these two numbbuts bleeding all over themselves. Well the driver has finished getting road head so I tell him to book it to the hospital and I’m tapping violently on the back of his bald head with a ballpeen hammer and he’s crying at me to “STOP, PLEASE SIR, IT I CAN’T DRIVE LIKE THIS!” and I’m laughing my tits off and he eventually wets himself so I stopped banging on his head and throw the toy hammer out the window where it goes through a window and into some donkey’s vagina.

Anyway, I’m riding on this god damn car, you know, on the fuckin’ panel and I’m banging on the roof shouting at the top of my lungs the howdy doody theme song and this dick who’s been shot is pleading with me to be quiet. “Please, sir, I beg you. We are dying, sir. You must save my wife!” I back handed him and told him my voice brings prostitutes to their knees and if he wanted me to suck his dick, he only needed to ask. Well that shut him up from talking to me at least. He wouldn’t leave the bitch at his side alone. He kept saying “Stay alive for our children!” But Jesus god that hole in his throat was pushing out blood like a squirt gun. I kept putting my fingers over my nose, mimicking a clothes pin and saying "Stinky, yucky!" while pointing at him.The blood was a bright and shiny red, spewing out in waterfalls. His eyes kept rolling around in that terrible way, as if he were looking for something, but he couldn't move his head. There was this god awful choking noise emitting from him. It was really starting to mess with my bowels. I had this bowl of oatmeal-tomato soup in my pants and it was piping hot, so I threw it at the couple to get them both to shut their shit and that finally does it. And even though she wasn't saying much, she kinda sat there slumped over, whimpering a bit, I unnecessarily hawked a mammoth loooooogy and spat it on her face. The two lumps of shit just sat there bleeding to death for the rest of the trip to the hospital. It was about this point that I realized I forgot my wallet at Schiller’s and I went into a rage. I leaped from the vehicle like Hulk and onto the pavement. I strangled the first thing I saw -a small child shining shoes. The man (who’s shoes the boy was shining) stood and demanded to know what I thought I was doing. I shoved my ram paws into his stank packet and yanked as hard as I could. He made a sound like a nokia cell phone ring and his eyes rolled back into his head before he keeled over like a sack of shit. I spent the rest of the day jerking off in the park to the horror of passerbys. I left Sarajevo about a week later because everything was going to shit and Schiller finally got the police on my ass, which I couldn’t have as I’d begun selling my bath salt stash to members of the Ottoman parliament. Bath salts, mothafuckas BATH SALTS!!!!!!! AHapoihfrpFJAIhaosfhOAFHhhaihfiHhppphpaHOOOHAHAHAHOW2HEO!!!!!!!!!!! (plop)

jap shit

The Atomic Bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki

I’d met this jack ass at a bar, “Chuck” I’m pretty sure his name was Chuck. I only remember that because I kept saying “Chuck sucked my dick lastnight! Chuck sucked my dick last night!” and it was really pissing him off. Hewas all red about the face and kept screaming at me to stop or he would “tellon me.” I, of course, did not stop and proceeded to give him a massive wedgie, at which point he scurried off in blubbering tears in the direction of thehead. “God what a baby” I mumbled at the other fucks at the bar and downed my sixteenth long island before stumbling after him. I found him unconscious in the shitter and rubbed him back to health, only to summarily beat him to death with his own shoe. I couldn’t have a pussy like that embarrassing me in front of others, I mean, he did suck my dick. Anyway, after I beat him into pulp, Istripped him and donned his shit rags – whooo Jesus they smelled of dog shit!Well, he was some sort of flyboy. I just loved those flyboys. I used to make ‘emtake their wings off so I could douse them in salad dressing and shove ‘em intheir cowabungholes. Christ. So I scramble home, you know, so as to avoid any run-inwith the authorities, because god damnit they are bastards. Last run-in I hadwas with an ass-load of MPs and they beat me about the rim for hours until I confessed that I was the one who’d taken a massive ass-blast from God all over the nose of a P-51 parked near the dick circus. Well I went back to my motel room, pissed on the bellhop when he offered to help me to my room and crawled into the bath tub for some much needed sleep (I’d been awake on meth for thelast three weeks.) I belched pubic and passed out with the shower on.

I awoke to a severe headache. I mean severe. I was screaming. SCREAMING. I bashed my head against the mirror until it shattered in a shower of sparkling dust and slammed an empty bottle of wild turkey on my head, breaking it into tiny shards. After about three hours of this behavior, I finally came out of it and rolled out of the tub into a puddle of shit andpiss. I laid there weeping for several minutes before crawling through thefront door and out into the day. Except it wasn’t day. Shit, it was still darkout. I’d only been asleep for a few hours. God damnit. Well I searched the pants I’d stolen from Chuck or Hugh the night before and I found his wallet along with an address. I figured I’d take a cab and see if there was anyone worth raping there. I hailed some dumb dick and he took me to this shithole army base. I waddled around for about an hour without any success. I found this guard and made dumbass faces at him until he eventually butted me with his rifle and told me to piss off. I was so fucking tired I just found the shit bunk this asshole lived in and passed out again. I let out a massive toot that sparked a chorus of complaints from the other retards in the room. I didn’t give a shit, I was so tired I could eat the asshole out of a dead horse child.

Well, morning finally hits and it hits hard. It couldn’t have been more than an hour I was out, I looked at the deadman’s watch: 2am. Holy Lord it was only 2am. Well there’s this pile of lukewarm dog shit rapping at me with a little squirt stick or something equally moronic, squealing at me to “GET UP!” Finally I managed a “alright motherfucker!” and fell from the bunk onto my face. Immediately, this punk is pulling me, I mean literally pulling me toward this runway, where this plane the size of my scrotum is idling. I can hear laughter. Anyway, I am shoved up into the cockpit of this douche bag contraption and I pass out again, right at the wheel. This is the morning of August 9th, 1945.

Before I have time to dream about my uncle’s tits, I wake up and we are flying over an ocean. I got a real issue with flying. I mean the last time I was in the air, I murdered the stewardess with my ponch because she didn’t give me an in-flight blowjob. Istarted freaking out as you can imagine. Banging on the instruments, shouting at the top of my lungs, spitting and yowling just like a diseased marmot. Well this dink of a shitmaster, Charles or Charlie or Fred or Freddie or Karen I can’t remember what the anus’s name was, he starts slapping me with a dead fish and is shouting at me to shut the hell up and not yell on the radio. Well that really pissed me off. But before I could roll the window down and throw his skinny ass out, I notice all this food on my lap. All this fucking cereal and well a bunch of horse shit. Freddie smiled at me and told me I was so hungover I was barfing a lot and they wanted to get something into my stomach for the remainder of the ride. I told him to go fuck himself and I started wolfing that shit down. I ate for at least an hour straight. Meantime, all these assholes on board are flicking me shit through the radio. I just scream “STOP STOP STOP SHUT SHUT SHUT YOUR YOUR YOUR DRRRR SHIT SHIT SHIT!!” over and over again until Freddie has to tell me to shut my mouth again. I just balled up in my lil shit seat and finished off my breakfast rat shit burrito.

After what seemed like years, I saw this landmass appear. Everyone on board starts cheering. I gotta piss like a horse. I ask Fred if he minds if I piss out the window and before he can respond I’m already on my knees spraying the glass and it’s getting everywhere. It feels like I’m in a god damn shower, but hey I kinda like it because it’s fucking cold up there in that steel box. Well finally FINALLY I’m done. Fredie is yanking on me saying “Charlie! Charlie, sit down we are starting our bomb run!” Charlie? So I sit down and I’m farting. I mean I’m fartin’ real hearty. Then I realize why the numb nutz is calling me Charlie. He’s so drunk he thinks I’m that Hugh dick shit from the night before! I mean I did steal his clothes, but I didn’t look anything like that rap sack. I sit down. All these little buzzing noises are going off. I have noidea what the fuck I’m doing. I have a real nasty anal belch and Freddie barfs. I look out the dripping-piss window and see little houses far below. “Where the fuck are we?” I spit before pooing a little in my greasy panties. “That there is Imperial Japan, ol’ boy!” says Fred and he slaps me on the back. This slap just sent me overboard. I mean I already had to take an elephant splat. But when Freddie slapped my back, it just pushed all the yogurt meal right down the tube into the valley of god. I slouched forward and could see Fred started to become concerned. Oh my god. It was like a cork in a crack in the Hoover damn at this point. "You low down fag" I said to my feet. I squeaked a little at the horrid, putrid ass burp about to unfold and felt warmth running down my legs. Fred curled his lips and squinched his nose at me before barfing again. “Jesus ALLLLMighty!” he said. "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, MOTHERFUCKER! IF I DON'T SHIT, WE ALL DIE!" I grabbed the yolk and yanked hard into the clouds. "Come on you asshole! Pull this rig over, I gotta shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttt!" Fred or Charlie's eyes widened in horror and he spit out his bloody mary, the red sprayed all over the windshield like a bad period. "Let go, Chuck! Let gooooooo!" he was shouting. He pulled out this little dink baton that looked like a mouse penile and started pinging me in the wrist. "LET GO LET GO!! YOU'RE GONNA KILL US ALL!" Just then I has a real naaaaaaaasty rectum vomit and I start screaming “OOH SUUUUZAAANNNA! DON’T YOU CRY FOR ME!!!!!!” I’m singing, I mean I’m really belting it out. Meantime, Fred is crying at me that I’m pulling us off course. I just turned that fucker right into that thick shit and all the while I hear everyone screaming at me to stop "for the love of god!" After about ten minutes of this horsing around, the joke was up and my shit baby needed to come out. I let go of the yolk and bit Frank on the cheek and whispered "Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me so hard." To which he shivered and said "What??" I stared at him intently for a moment or two, earnestly enjoying our time together. He went for the radio, but I slapped his hand away and I lowered my gaze. When I was sure I had his attention, I began in a very creepy voice: "It could of all been different Mr. Walker. You should have let nature take its course...but in the end, it will anyway....." Then I jumped at him with my claws out, you know, real scary like and I scream: "SO LEMME IN THE FUCKIN' HOUSE!!" It was hilarious, Fred jumped out of his seat, the plane dipped as his knees yanked at the wheel. "Oh LORDY help us!" he was crying. I starting laughing and told him it was just a quote from the movie "Fear" with Mark Wahlburg, but he didn't understand. He was squirming around like a god damned bug and it was pissing me off, so I jolted from my seat because the waterfall was coming.

I really couldn’t pay attention to anything else from this point on. I mean I was really riding the lightening. I had my cheeks pinched together so hard my face was turning blue. This prick, William or Jake or Jacob or something, kept saying some shit to me about verifying the bomb run or something I dunno I told him through tears to suck my dick. AAAAAAAAAAH I can’t take it anymore. I throw Fred’s stroking talons from my wank pole and dart for the shitter. I run through all these assholes, they’re everywhere. "Where's the fuckin' shitter?" I shouted to deaf ears. "Where is the fuckin' shitter??" I slowly realize this ain’t no commercial airliner and I am fucking PISSED because that means, there is no diarrhea cup. I started jumping up and down and yelling and oh my god it was terrible. Just then, the ground below me began to open up and I am pulled out of the way by some frog dick just in time. I hear “BOMB’S AWAY BOMB’S AWAY”over the radio and I can’t take it any longer. “That’s the same god damn thing I yell at home!” I shrieked and I bent the knees and stuck my bare ass out over the opening.

KABOOOOOOOOOM it felt like someone shoved an iron fist into my anus, grabbed my stomach and yanked with heavenly force. The shit splattered everyone. I mean everyone. Men were keeling over all around me. “HOLY SHIT!” I shouted. Well I could kinda see through my legs there, the shit I'm blowing out is tumbling head over heel and just beyond the thousands of heavy turds, I see the bomb. That thing was the size of a shit truck. I finished my squirt parade and pull up the pants just about the time the bomb bay doors are closing behind me. There’s this poor cock sniff crying at me that I “Pooed on” him and I pushed him so hard that he fell over a control panel or something and knocked himself out - he looked like he was made of rubber and he had this stupid little smile on his face. I had the room in the bowels so I squeezed out one little rolo morsel right on his forehead and smeared it around with my pinky to make a little brown sun. The other dudes there looked mortified so I brandished a small pistol and told them to laugh, so they did. I made my way back up to the cockpit and told Fred that I needed to have a beer “STAT.” He ignores me so I reach into my pants and pull until everything goes white. Although I made my way upto the cockpit fairly quick after all my bullshit, that bomb hit faster than I thought. We were tossed and turned like a match in the toilet and all the while I am screaming at the top of my lungs like a little girl, swearing I will disclose the location of “those unfortunate three I left for dead in Louisiana!”After what seemed like ages, the rumbling and hissing noises ceased long enough for me to burp horse manure and pass out on an instrument panel.

I woke up in a military prison three days later, my hands tied to a pole and I’m as naked as a retard on Sabbath. This stinky penis opens the cell and tells me it’s time to perform a “miracle.” After six hours of sucking him off between vomits, I finally muster the courage to bash him in the loins with my oversized forehead. I then strangle him to death with his own nono hairs. I scramble out of the open cell and into a courtyard where, using my uncanny skills as part giraffe man, I scale the walls and disappear into the jungle where I live for sometime only wearing a togo I've fashioned out of human ass hair. I changed my name to OKi Koki from the Cyndi Lauper and all I do all day long is rub my belly and dance around like a fucking dong-dicked retard. People throw change at me in the towns, and I store my anal liquids and spray it at them from an ol' squirt gun I've fashioned out of bamboo. Two weeks later, I’m stateside with the worst case of dick radiation I’ve ever seen. I’ve gone bionic and have sworn I will never murder a pilot and steal his clothes never ever again.

shitter's full

Space Shuttle Challenger Disaster

I landed this job, right? So, I land this job - real choice piece of shit job. Mission control specialist or sts ascent flight coordinator or assmaster extraordinaire or some other asinine job title. I mean it's the type of work that made me sick. No joke, I actually got sick from the work. I used to take a smoke break twelve or forty times a day just so I could evacuate my bowels in the parking lot. It was near a Wendy's though. Fuck it. So anyway, I forged my resume real hard to get into this shit hole. Why I did so and spent so much time dandy-dicking my shit papers, god and his golden ram rod only know. Whatever. Anyway, that day was a god damned doozy. I showed up late - I always showed up late - and as soon as I stumble in, my bastard of a boss is all over my case. "WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE BEEN HERE DAYS AGO?!" I flipped him off using my corn cob of glory and basically fell face first into my station, spilling SEVERAL cups of month old coffee all over my keyboard and playboys. He stood there for a minute gawking at me as I removed my pants and scratched real hard at the nastiness spreading over my sexual battlefield. I looked at him and told him he might want [this] but he'd have to change his name to Tom Skerritt and grow a weiner. I'm positive my boss scuttled away in tears. I swatted at his jibbling buttocks, but missed and knocked over a sniveling air force captain instead. He fell on his fat ass and immediately pooped: "HEEEEEEEEEEEEY! THAT WEAALLY HOIRT MY BUM BUM!" "Aw you little bitch," and I burped up old McDonald's, spitting bits of greenish egg onto his service blouse. He wiped it away with a violent jerk and crawled away drooling and farting like a mentally disabled rat. Jesus. So I kinda laid there for an hour or so. Just splayed out with my clam out. I remember I had a big gulp the size of my brother's ham horn. So there was a launch that day. Oh god yes. Haha the firework toilet bowl show from hell. That's what I call it. I'd already been drinking. I mean I was a good case of steel reserve deep. I remember puking in the parking lot after leaving my Toyota EFI idling and lodged up against the snack hut where Sandy, the blind bitch from Tulsa sat slinging slop on Saturdays for relatively inexpensive. Good food, but made my bum run like Harrison Ford in The Fugitive. I love that movie more than I love my pet locust, Eric.

What, it must've been 10am ish. So my job was to link comm with this fuckin guy onboard this cardboard toon wagon we were about to light a candle underneath and shoot into god's uterus. he's barking at me to come back you know to get me on the radio stereo system and it's annoying me because I have a headache so I shout at him through the mic to shut the fuck up and I pull out my flask and dump the whole thing (warm Jagermeister) into my diet mountain dew. I was so hot. Jesus god I was so fucking hot. The only reason I was so hot was that the cocaine was finally catching up. The fact that it was probably below freezing outside didn't help my scrotum from being overly swollen. My fingers were slimy with grease from my melting ass and my snotty boner faucet. I mean I was feverish. Well after ripping a thirty-five minute anal trumpet blow and snorting a few lines of heroin, I eventually got onto my headset and belched like an Irish foghorn. This cream corn yells back at me, I think his name was Dick or Prick or Flick?? Dude I can't remember everything so don't fucking ask me to because honestly what the hell am I even telling this shit for.

Well anyway, he's shouting shit and I have to tell him to calm the hell down or else I'm going to switch on Bruce Hornsby into the headset and take the rest of the day off. Anyway he finally calms down and tells me it's Roger Boisjoly of Thiokol. "Yeah so what the fuck do you want?" I says. Well he immediately goes into this rant, something about toilet bowl rings or the urinals or his ass is too icy or something I dunno I wasn't really paying attention because The Price is Right is on my little monitor and I fucking loved that show. Bob has such sweet man pecker suckers. Ultimately, the fuck on the phone recommends an "immediate postponement for launch." I got real quiet. I've been coming to work for this fucking red rocket fuck off for weeks now and nothing, zilch nada. AND NOW THIS ASSHOLE WANTS TO POSTPONE AGAIN?!?!?! They have stopped us from setting off this firecracker about a million times already and I am fucking sick of it at this point. I licked the receiver for effect, and tell him "I am appalled. I am appalled by your recommendation. My God, Thiokol, when do you want me to launch - next April?!" I disconnected. This is bullshit I thought. No, fuck dat shit. I was going to send this rat wagon into the stars if I had to sever my boob wrench to do so. I fell out of my chair and onto the floor. I laid there for a good twenty minutes weeping softly and mumbling lines from Dallas to the horror of my coworkers. Then slowly, I began humping the floor and giggling like a mad child. Well when a woman began crying somewhere in the office I stood up and said "I was just fucking with you guys, jesus christ!" and stumbled toward the door. Before leaving, I threw open the cupboard on the wall and found the infrared camera and headed out to the launch tower. The air hits me like a stripper's slime shaft on the morning I went to take a temperature reading on the O rings of Challenger. This is January 28th, 1986.

I was drunk. I mean I was fucked up. The second I stepped out of the office building I fell on my fucking face. I was technically supposed to relay this task to Kennedy's Ice Team, but I really was over it at that point and just wanted to see this fucker fly. So I get to the tower and there's ice everywhere. I mean there was ice up the anus, blocking ice turds from ice cube tray dinner. I mean it was like a fucking Bob Service poem. I cracked a bud and downed it, tossing the empty can on the tarmac with a clinkity clink. Well I snapped a few photos and radioed the ice team to go back to sleep. I knew I was going to get shit from Rockwell engineers, but I really didn't care anymore. I flubbed the temp readings on purpose by pointing the device at erroneous items like a used YELLOW turd that I'd blatantly stepped on then picked up and smeared all over my shirt to thwart this asshole from Rockwell from hitting on me. After about 15 minutes of herming the stroke sausage, I radioed mission control and gave my OK for launch. I knew if those toilet rings fucked, the show was over. I mean they were obviously as hard as my dick at Disneyland. I scrawled a little message on SRB, "EAT MY CUM-STAINED SHORTS" in black marker before shoving some old sandwiches I hasss in my pants into an open panel and then nailing it shut like I'm hanging a fuckin' picture. Time set for launch was 11:38 am.

Back at my toilet, I began my checklist. Yeah this and go that and go fuckyourself here and suck my horse wand there. I was rubbing myself real raw while staring at this kid technician. He looked extremely uncomfortable. So I hurriedly scribbled a sex note on the back of a blank check I stole from my boss's wife after masturbating on her. I was supposed to be watching the SSME computer screen, but instead I was drawing pictures of my hemorrhaging anus on that blank check. I'm starting my count down and I keep interjecting "that's what she said" into the mic after each call. T minus 10 (that's what she said) etc. Well my boss shouts at me through tears to "knock it off!!" So I finish like an ass mass and the bird lights up and farts into the sky. I was fairly relieved at first because I figured the bone rub would burst like a pent up shitter right there on the launch pad. Once the crap king got airborne, I sort of lost interest. I only glanced at one readout seeing the shuttle was passing Mach 1, that must've been oh about T+ about 35 seconds. I gave my thumbs up for go at throttle up noticing the SSME's were at %104 set by the computer before barfing all over my control panel, rendering my instruments useless. Right about the time I was wiping up old Carl's Jr. with my Journey tie was when I creamed my jeans. I hear this gasp like the sperm worm exiting a rhino and when I looked at the sky outside, I saw a plume of white shit.
                                   
A burst of static came through on my end and I just started crying like a little girl. I mean I was really balling and hamming it up. I kept banging my head on the table and saying "NO NO NO NO NO" and all this shit because I knew what had happened. Eventually this senior controller had to tell me to shut the hell up I mean I don't blame him, at that point I was standing on my desk twirling my dick around and shouting "GET ON THE HELICOPTER RIDE!" The vehicle breakup got me really really horny for some reason and I had to disappear from the control room for about a half an hour. When I came back, all hell had broken loose. I mean, I was surprised the piece of shit even made it off the launch pad. I was so drunk I figured no one would give a shit if I left early for the day. My supervisor screamed, I mean literally screamed at me that I had to stay. I looked at him and vomited, then slurred that they should install a stripper pole in the staff room. He stood there, flabbergasted. I pissed in the corner on my way out, found my shit wagon and headed home.

I never went back to the job, but that night, two beautiful FBI agents knocked on my trailer. I pretended I didn't speak English and shit myself. That sent them running. I moved to Venezuela the next day. Weeks later I got a letter that had been forwarded to me by NASA. It was my severance pay and pay it did. I installed a stripper pole in my front yard near the monkey swing.