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| The Salem Witch Trials |
Thou'st come hither a village in rapture. You shall find nothin’ but testy gast, any who enter here!
I read the note several times; my eyes squinted in devilish annoyance. “This chicken scratch was either written by a possessed rat dick or a fuckin’ retard” I drooled. I noticed then I was still perched in human scum, so I pulled myself up by a twisted horse conch and stood. The smell was unbelievable. I reared back and belched a gummy explosion of hayseed and stomach acid all over the horse’s ass. The animal started and whinnied, then galloped away, pulling the tipped cart at an uncanny speed through the fields behind. I sighed and farted. The fart smelled like pickled swine hoof. I gagged, then headed toward a group of structures in the distance.
The assholes were about as welcoming as me finding a half-naked balloon boy-man crawling out of my refrigerator at 3 in the morning whispering “GIMME DE CHIMMY GIMME DE CHIMMY!” Some retard stumbled from a barn and pointed at me in terror, shouting something about the devil. I shoed him in the blow-up bags and shoved him by the forehead. He fell over backward like bunch of shit and impaled his ass cheeks on the pitchfork in his hand. “Fucker!” I hissed at him. I wandered around for what seemed like eternity, looking for a god damned public house to no avail. Eventually I copped a squat in some fuckin’ courtyard and took a boom smear right there in the dying flowers. By now, small parties of people had begun to follow me and were aghast when I dropped trou and exposed my warty, wrinkled hob-knobbler. A man screamed and a woman fainted before two or three of these shitheads pushed forward and pulled me from my steaming blubber dump. “UNHAND ME, YOU CRAP FUCKS OR I’LL BURN THIS FUCKING VILLAGE TO THE GROUND!” That same man screamed again and I squinted then wondered if it was a man at all.
Well, along the main street they dragged me, my pants around my ankles and warm plops of dung spilling from my still leaking goiter-cave. A number of the idiots were trotting along behind, some were crying. I squeezed a rancid butt spray and that same guy screamed again. “Who the fuck is that that keeps screaming like a little bitch?” I said to the bastards dragging me along. Neither of them even looked at me. “BRING HIM BEFORE THE MAGISTRATE!” some dink yelped. “HE IS NOT OF THE PURITAN WAY!” belched another. “HANG HIM!” called a third. “Now just wait a fuckin’ minute!” I shouted. “You assholes think you’re gonna get close enough to my neck to put a rope around it? You better think again!! When you fuck with me, you’re fuckin’ with tha best!” “CLOSE YOUR LIPS, HEATHEN!” finally said one of my transgressors. I broke free an arm and howled “CRY HAVOC AND LET SLIP THE NUTS OF WAR, YOU GUMMY FUCKTARDS!” and I swung with the might of an elephant, my fist connecting with his baby testicle gum drops. He shrieked in wild pain and his dumbass cockle hat flew from his head and into my piles. I was able to gnaw at the flesh log of the other boob before I was tackled there in the mud. Cries of “IT’S THE DEVIL INCARNATE!” filled the air. Someone was bashing me in the head repeatedly with what felt like Wilt Chamberlain’s dick. “You pathetic penis shredding bastards…” I managed to mumble before losing consciousness.
Well the fuckers tossed me into some sort of wooden duck-fuckin’ shed with bars on the windows. I woke up twisted into the shape of a pretzel. My pantaloons were still around my ankles and I’d turd queefed a substantial amount of fecal curd over the floor. I hiccupped like a drunken sailor and then barfed almost before the hiccup finished. Someone shuffled in the other room. I pulled myself up using the bars and kinda wobbled there before puking, again, through the bars and onto the dusty floor outside. I heard someone move around again, and then I heard assorted gagging noises and whispering. “Ugh, god damnit,” I belched, then crawled to the corner of my cell and began making these disgusting whimpering noises like I was a three year old being sexually rubbed by an overweight pedophile named “Lemur.” The shuffling from the other room started again, so I got louder and threw in these gyrations, bashing my corn-cob against the log wall. I also added a few curse words and farts to sweeten the deal. Finally, the shuffling turned into marching and this big fucker rounds the corner, a real nasty look on his face. He comes up to the barred door and said “Speak not, you demon! For God will judgeth thee!” and he rapped on the cell with a little toy hammer. I spun violently and grasped his balls with a furious fist. He screamed and I realized it was the same dumbass who kept screaming earlier. “You are not of this world, devil!” he shouted through tears, kinda buckling like a broken tree. I wrenched him in close by his sac and whispered: “Maybe so. But if I am the Devil’s child I will live from the Devil.” I paused here to belch putrid long and hard into his ear. He screamed that woman’s scream again and pleaded with me to let him go. “I can know no law sacred but that of my nature.” Then I produced my QUIVERING member and jammed it through his cloak. He squealed like a child and passed out. I fumbled through his pants for keys to ensure my escape from that shit box, but before I could locate any, some other asshole began bashing me in the head again and I was knocked out.
I awoke in agonizing pain. I had a bulbous lump on my head that felt like a dead frog was growing inside of my skull. My nose was bloodied and the motherfuckers left my pants around my ankles. I felt for my pus-junk only to find that I was wearing shackles and some sort of shit robe. I heard murmuring all around me. “Where the fuck am I?” I said, not able to see much. Someone behind me swatted at my nuts with a ballet slipper and I bent over, pains shooting through my vaginal works. “You will speak when you are called upon, demon,” came the voice at my back. “Ouch! You sack of shit!” I spun and spat a real stringy loogie in the manimal’s face and he winced and drew back. He turned again and looked at me with these wide eyes. “Why did you do that?! EW!!” and he ran off crying. Just then some tall, skinny motherfucker comes floating in and he’s all “IS this the CONdemmed?” “Condom?” I said with a snarky accent. The old dude stared down at me and said something about being silent. I burped from my ass and spit a dried chunk of puke I pulled from under my lip. The one asshole screamed. “You’ve got to be kidding me!” I said as I searched the room for him. My eyesight cleared a bit and I was able to see that there was a good fifty people in that little rat shed, which sort of looked like a courtroom. The tall bastard climbed up behind this podium and was flanked by four other tall bastards. The renobs were wearing these pubic hair wigs. “Oh, nice pubes,” I said and another dick behind me pushed me and told me to be quiet. The pubic-head spoke, loud and booming:
"This demon who hast entered our town and brought with him the vilest of ungodliness now coming in to be examined relating to his accusation of suspicion of sundry acts of witchcrafts the afflicter persons are now dreadfully afflicted by him as they doe say. I claim the proceedings of this initial examination of the dammed as in session this day of our Lord, the 19th of April, Sixteen hundred and ninety-two."
I stood there, teetering a little, and blew a snot rocket the size of a Plymouth then flipped the douche off. He squealed and jumped back a little and cried out “DON’T!!” I laughed and farted. That dickhead behind me screamed again. One of these other fuckmasters up front hollers out:
"Heathen, what doe you say you here stand charged with sundry acts of witchcraft by you done or committed upon the bodyes of many aye town folks."
I squinted. “What the fuck are you saying? You sound like a retard jammed into a toilet hole. Speak English, you flaming cocksucker.” I farted again, real wet. The building shook a little and I felt two of the dudes at my back move away. That stupid idiot screamed again. The men behind the podium thing looked around at one another in confusion. Then the pube-head spoke again:
“Doe you not see how they are tormented? You are acting witchcraft before us! Looke upon this man and see if this be the demon that you have seen hurting you.” I heard a number of morons call out “Aye.” Those of you afflicted and others doe now charge him face to his face with hurting of them.” Pube-head pointed straight at me then said, “What doe you say now you see they charge you to your face?” I still didn’t understand a god damn word so I said (mockingly) “DRR MY NAME A BOOBY I LIKE PLAY WITH MY PEEPEE YOU ARE FOOD MAN I CUM ON OWN BOOBYS DRRRR!!” and I made motions like I was fucked up and palsied. The pube-head furrowed his brow. “Goode heathen! What contract have you made with the devil?! Doe you not see how they are tormented you are acting witchcraft before us what doe you say to this why have you not an heart to confess the truth?! Have you not given consent that some evil spirit should doe this in your likeness?!” I’d stopped listening a while ago. I was fishing around my shorts for pubic lice and when I’d find a real fat fucker down there I’d turn and flick it at the screaming idiot. Every time I’d hit him he’d scream again and I’d just laugh.
Well after what seemed like a year of this crap they finally dragged me from the courtroom having stated something about a signing a death warrant or some horseshit. I remember all these assholes were lined up outside the shit shed and I was SCREAMING and hollering like a banshee on meth. At one point I got loose of my restrainers and grabbed this particularly mortified looking motherfucker and belched into his gaping hole. He gurgled like a drowning mouse and fainted dead away. I heard the idiot scream again and I laughed, but resolved to murder him so he’d finally shut the fuck up. They dragged me through the streets and to the god damn jail cell where I’d spent the previous night. I was thrown in head first like a lump of shit.
The second I hit the back wall and right before the jail door swung shut, I bounded back like a rubber ball and blew through the door with my blood-filled howitzer gagger. The idiot screamer was there and (you can guess what he did) I bashed him in the head with my great bazooka of god. He had this dumbass look on his face. His mouth was wide open like a train tunnel and his eyes were like little moons. Every time I’d beat him about the noggin’ with my flesh pipe his face wouldn’t change, it would just bounce back to the same position, over and over again. I was grunting real hard and yelling “I’M GONNA PUT THE POWER OF GOD IN YOUR ASS!! I’M GONNA PUT THE POWER OF GOD IN YOUR ASS!!!” After I drowned him with my ejaculate, I found the other dickwad cowering in the corner, clutching a bible and muttering some shit about satan. I crawled over to him, my peen dragging on the floor like a dead eel. He shut is eyes tight and covered his ears. I found a quill on a desk, inked the nib, then drew a cock on the guy’s forehead. He cried. I beat him to death with my bare hands whilst singing hymnals.
When I emerged from the stinking shit cabin, a plume of steam followed me. It was late. A gnarly cloud cover blanketed the small town. I pulled a lantern from the wall of the jail and lit it with my fiery asshole. I spun and chucked the fucking thing into the open doorway and it crashed against the wall, erupting into flame. I skittered off into the night as the structure burned to the ground and villagers surrounded the flames.
A short while later, I’d made my way to a diphole town in the Ozarks. I had frostbite on my rubber play coil and some dickweed thought it would be funny to brand a pentagram on my ass while I slept in the shitter. SO SAYS THE WORD OF GOD OUR FATHER.