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| RMS Titanic |
By 2:10 A.M. this shit show was moving downtown fast. I was drunk, fucked up on onion wine and rebarbds] cloyf. I had two red-headed shit rats with me. Lord knows where they came from, but I threw an arm around each of 'em and clasped them to me. I whispered, "I am Christ, you dumb-dicked sea shepherds." The foggy smoke which floated from my lips as I drunkenly slobbed over the pricks reminded me we were in the middle of the Atlantic. I remember, it was very cold. Very cold. Overhead, assholes from steerage were crawling over this cargo crane, trying to reach the boat deck. The lights burned with an assy eeriness. I soiled myself. Then realized I'd already soiled myself while playing cards on e deck with that douche, lE bOYLE or some shit. What a quack. Fuck, as the stern swung up, passengers discovered to their horror (bunch of dregs and English pop fucks) that they could no longer stand. Gippers and nut frogs where sliding past me left and right. I kept yelling "WOOHOO, WOOOHOOO!!" Ya know and fucking crazy and shit. Well tweedle dink and tweedle dick were bawling in my arms. I started to feel bad, but I soiled myself again and that distracted the shit out of me, literally. Then I heard -well more felt than heard- popping and cracking rion. Then lights went out and I screamed and all these crashes and groaning noises commenced.
Titanic never impressed me. A mick built piece of iron turd with ass-class amenities. Pssh. Well what I was hearing then was the cheap labor tearing itself in half. Suddenly the after part was no longer plunging down. It actually seemed to be floating back and righting itself. Well this steward or deckhand I don't know what the fuck he thought he was supposed to be he looked like a god damn toilet attendant well he grabs my suit jacket and he's screaming real shriekish like and I'm all "Shut your shit or you're going to be wet before a lot of other people!" He let's go and falls overboard anyway. Well I've got these two boys still clutched in my arms and the fucking ship and all topsy turvy and everyone and their mom is losing their shit and I'm trying with all my soul to light a fucking cigarette when all of a sudden the floor was horizontal again. Stairs were no longer impossible to ascend. High on the flagstaff, a kerosene lantern still burned. In its dim glow, I saw hundreds of shadows swarming onto the deck. "FAGGOTS!" I screamed without motive. And then. the
Titanic - what was left of the over-rated lemon- tipped onto her port side and began to plunge. What a shitty night. So here I am drunk as hell, no smoke and all of a sudden I'm in a swirl of ropes, deck chairs, broken planks, and flailing bodies. I swear to go I saw some dude's head get ripped off by a dead randos. Shit. Twenty-eight degree water kicked the air out of my lungs and I'm fucking livid. I held those boys in a death grip....damnit, they were yanked out of my arms, as if by a giant. Well I lost those shits right then and there. Some shit kicker I couldn't see tugged at my feet. Twice it pulled me down, and both times a parade of ascending trash buoyed my dumb ass to the surface, battering the crap out of me. People were all around me. I swear, ALL AROUND ME. I felt like I was at a Duck game. I was the only one cussing and blatantly flipping off other struggling swimmers. I pissed, not because I was scared, but because I was drunk and forgot to winky in my stateroom before the ship sank. Bad planning. WELL THESE FUCKING PEOPLE ALMOST TORE MY CLOTHES AWAY. Some dink dick tried to climb over my back, but I showed him. I dunked him under, right to my crotch and made him suck on it before I realized that shit cold water would do me in if I didn't make my escape. For twenty minutes I dog-paddled, screaming for my shit rats. Dumb as a cornish game-hen I listened for them, guessing that they were already dead. It was right about then that a hand pulled me from the urine. It smelled like the guy it belonged to had been wiping with it without paper, but it saved me nonetheless. Then some crack grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me into a half flooded life raft. It was Collapsible A. It was badly damaged and people had been using it for a toilet already. One prick was reading from some god damn poetry book. The first thing I did was to take the coat off a small child, then tell mr. poet to shuck the fuck up or he'd be swallowing more than water in a few seconds. None of these inept jagaloons could raise the canvas sides up, so the shitty dingy's gunwales were almost flush with the wa-wa and it kept rushing in. I was so heated. "YOU GOONS!" I kept shouting. Well they wouldn't listen. One special fuck bit my ear and ripped my pants. I vomited borscht on him and that shut him up. Slowly, we bobbed away, in out shit craft with thirty-one assholes with their thumbs up their butts standing or bent over. One by one these punks froze to death and we'd have to throw them overboard. I tried to get us singing. Somebody had the shittiest voice and I almost backhanded him, but I felt bad because half his face looked like porridge ram. I spent the whole trip back to NY in Carpathia's infirmary with three broken ribs and a hell of a hangover. Two weeks later, they found one of my shit rats and buried him somewhere. When they found him, he was still dressed in the clown suit I'd put on him, before going in search of lifeboats, only to find they were all gone.
